Ever since I was in high school I was that girl. I’m a perfectionist, an extrovert, and always had the awful habit to try to get everyone to like me. If something in my life is less than perfect it would annoy me until I either fixed it or cut it out of my life entirely. My life isn’t perfect by any means but, I strive to be successful.
When I decided that I was going to apply to graduate school I felt like it was natural for me to aim high. I’ve got a high GPA, I’m heavily involved in school and I felt like I could make a portfolio that could wow the admissions committee. I didn’t think that I’d get into every single grad school but, I was sure that I would be able to get into a really good college.
Then the rejections started rolling in.
To be blunt, I applied to ten schools ranging from schools that were “reaches”, schools that I believed I could get into, and “safety” schools. So far I heard back from five schools and I was rejected from all of them. Yikes! Don’t get me wrong; I’m lucky. All of the schools that I heard back were reach schools and I still have a chance to get into another program. But, I can’t help but feel like my world has turned upside down.
Because of this, I started to feel really insecure about my academic and extracurricular activities. When I was in high school I became my class president. About a week after the news came out I was in the computer lab when a teacher started talking about the election. After, I told her that I was lucky to win she, very sarcastically, told me that she hoped that I wasn’t peaking. I don’t know why she would say that to me. I felt like she was telling me that she thought I was some sort of stereotype of a popular girl whose life ended while she was in high school. It was such a small comment but it really hurt to hear.
And now that I’m in this position where I can’t help but remember what she said to me. I feel as though all my successes are secretly just because I convinced people to like me. My good grades, club positions, and everything else in my life are because I’m a charming (if not pitiful) person and convinced people to give me an up in life.
Logically I know this isn’t true but, it’s like my brain can’t put one and two together. I’ve got a really bad case of imposter syndrome and it’s starting to impact me in different ways. Academically I can’t trust myself because I feel like I’m a bad student. I’m anxious and shaky because I don’t know what the future hold for me and I’m genuinely unsure of myself. It’s a weird feeling.
Still, I try to look on the bright side of all this. This is such a formative time period for me and I can’t help but be grateful for this experience. I don’t think that I’ll ever stop being a perfectionist but, I am learning how to fail gracefully. Up until now, I thought that failure was a world-ending thing but it’s not. Failure, rejection, and surprises are unfortunates parts of life. But, slowly I’m starting to accept this.