There’s always that time when you need to or want to write something down, but you can’t find the energy to, the thought process, or the right words. So what is it when you have all the ideas, thoughts, and words, but can’t seem to get it all out? Sometimes it makes you feel trapped, as if you were drowning in your own head.
Your thoughts are the pen and the world is your paper. But what if the gap between the pen and paper is not an inch, but instead miles away in another universe, too far away for your thoughts to ever reach the world? Sometimes I feel as if my head is the same way. There are days where the pen and paper meet, and other days where I’m chasing after that paper to prevent it from going off to sea. Many times I can catch that paper just in time, right before the current takes it away. Other times I am just left swimming in my head even more, but this time without a life vest.
I wouldn’t say I am at a loss for words when this happens. I am more in a state of mind where I will overthink. Instead of just writing and letting the words come naturally, I start to nitpick every little detail, comma, word, etc. It is almost as if I can’t prevent myself from doing it. I start writing but then I stop, re-read the sentence, correct what I think is wrong, and then continue on. This interrupts the flow of my thoughts as they make their way from my head onto the paper. It is something I have continuously struggled with, even as I am writing this very piece.
Am I thinking too much into this? Is this really something that should be taking up head space and time when I can be worrying about ten million other things? I want to say yes. Why? Because this is more than what is hard to put out on paper. It is also reflected in how I communicate with others whether that be re-reading a text or email before I hit send, or repeating the words in my head before I start a conversation with someone I am unfamiliar with. It is something that has shaped who I am, and who I am to become.
If I continue to calculate my every move, will I ever grow? Will I move past this block if it isn’t something that is easy to move, jump over, or destroy?
I want to spread my wings across the world and release myself from the chains that hold me down. I want to continue being me without the thoughts of deception my mind creates without my control. I want to break free.