The Product of Youth

 

Growing up is a time marked by high hopes for the future. It’s a feeling of utter invincibility against the world. There was no stopping a dream once it was sparked, and most definitely no stopping me. I was existentially happy, and remember being told by teachers that I was just always smiling. What else was there to be? There were no commitments, no decisions to be made, no timelines; I was free to do as I pleased. Those formative years were everything I could have ever hoped for, before life caught up. 

I had many expectations for how my teenage years would go. I would have the most amazing friends, spend weekends going on countless adventures, fall in love–the list went on and on. Of course these built-up expectations fuelled my actions. I tried to pursue that life, the one of my dreams, but soon found this would be simply impossible. In a mess of school, work, and my near daily dance training, the dream dissipated.

Days began to mesh together, and soon it felt as if I was living solely to get things done. I held a contempt for my failing dreams, becoming increasingly disappointed with reality. This would go on for years, leaving me lost in the chaos of life. The product of my youth had become a broken shell of who I once was, with no trust in dreaming as it only led to disappointment. 

I had seemingly fallen into the idea of my own brokenness. I was sad, lonely, and anxious nearly all of the time. There wasn’t much of a chance for me to see the good as the bad became so overwhelmingly abundant. So where was I to go from here? I was no longer the hopeful child I had once been; in fact I barely even recognized her. We were two separate entities, she and I, as the differences were far too great to be the same person. 

I knew that this was never the direction I wished my life to go in, yet the thought of progression past this point was equally as terrifying. It was change that I feared the most. I had changed once, and look where it had gotten me? Purposefully trying to change who I was once more would either empower, or destroy me. Despite the unknowns, I set out to change my future by changing my present.

Through a series of seemingly small changes, a transformation began. I let go of the mindset I had held onto for years. Life was no longer a race to the future, but rather a series of moments that I experienced purposefully. I had begun to fall in love with life once more after years of existing in the shadows of my own expectations. 

The true change was in my perspective. I had wanted for so long to live out the life I had dreamed up as a child and when this failed, I felt as if I had disappointed not only myself, but the child I was. Holding onto what I knew before ever reaching reality was never going to be beneficial. I had no way to see what the future would bring and how different life would turn out to be. I realized that even if my younger self would not recognize the person I had become, it was okay.

Growth takes many forms, and it’s through its most challenging trials that discovery is made. I am not who I was. I am not what I thought I would be, and that is finally good enough. Expectations can take control of what we believe to be the right way to live. When we fall short of these, what else can be expected other than disappointment. Having these plans is not the issue; trusting that they will always come true is. It’s time to keep dreaming and hoping. Life is not meant to be lived on the basis of expectations.

• change
• lifestyle
• Youth