With an abundance of spare time on my hands over the winter break, I—like many of you—had nothing to do. So, I spent a good portion of my winter break in close confinement with my thoughts. Being bored forced me to reflect on myself and, like, the world (very tedious stuff). As ridiculous as it sounds, I haven’t been a fan of critical thinking this school year. University can feel so all-consuming. I’m not sure if living so unchecked is healthy, but my mental health has never been better!
I’ve viewed my habit of floating through as an alternative to overthinking. Why would I drain myself of energy to the point where connecting to real-life is made difficult? As I write this, I’m realizing that the best option is obviously to strike a balance between living in your head and never taking the time to check in on yourself.
Fortunately or unfortunately, I did get the time to check in this winter break. I found myself sort of socially isolating, but in a way that was probably conducive to my mental health. I said no to plans with high school friends, choosing instead to stay in and play Bananagrams (yes, I play Bananagrams alone), which is pretty unlike me.
Since I returned to school, I’ve found myself caring more about things I liked in middle school. For example, in eighth grade, I had a raging social justice phase. At times, it was a tad too much. I still care about many of those causes. However, I tend to look back on that phase as more of an attempt to form an identity than a quest to spread progressive causes. I cringe when I think of the many infographics I liked and shared on Instagram. It’s not necessarily a time I look back upon fondly.
Considering my disdain for the phase, I’m sure you can imagine the fear that swelled within me when I realized I was once again deeply consumed by the existence of patriarchy. Don’t get me wrong, I have always disapproved of it. But now, any reminder of its existence feels upsetting. Alarm bells set off in my brain immediately. When that first happened, it made me think to myself, Wow, I guess I’m regressing.
Upon pondering it further, I think my regression is a way of rediscovering a past passion at a time when I feel a lack of hobbies and interests. Maybe I’m just over the most common university pastime: attempting to make your liver fail. I’m a little unsure of the cause.
But that’s also the beauty of this period in a university student’s life. I love that the structure of school provides us with the opportunity to recognize our flaws and consider ways we can better ourselves.
So I am now determining that I likely need to make some changes in my life… I’m not sure which ones, but the recognition must count for something. While I write this with a bit of humour, I know that my discovery truly is a start. I’m grateful for the in-between periods of university (and even the spiral breaks that can take place between due dates), which allow us the space to look at ourselves in the mirror. I may be in my twenties now, but maybe my middle school beliefs hold some weight.
It’s hard constantly feeling like a work-in-progress. There may be no time in your life that you’ll feel that weight more than while you’re in your twenties. I’ve realized that some of the stuff you have to work through mentally isn’t as scary as you think it will be. If you have a bit of a mental block going, I can tell you from my recent experience that it’s not that bad if you take it step-by-step. Remember that we all work at our own pace. Give yourself some grace.
I’m sure you’ve heard of most of the common tips for focusing on yourself: journaling, meditating, spending time alone and with loved ones, doing the things you love, etc. If you’re anything like me, you may know all of this stuff but find it challenging to apply to your life. It sucks, but there’s no cure for that problem. I firmly believe that you will get your sh*t together when you’re ready to do so. Maybe when you’re ready, you’ll feel compelled to participate in the previously-mentioned practices. Either that or you have to hit rock bottom. Both means are usually an effective way to get your life together. Whichever comes first, I wish you luck as you venture into your twenties.
My last piece of advice is to try your hardest to accept what comes your way. Maybe things that pop back up in your life are meant to be dealt with then and there. Like most young people in their twenties, I’m not sure I’m doing things right, but hey! That’s what being in your twenties is all about! So, follow the ebbs and flows of your personal growth and try to enjoy the ride.