This school year has been… a year. I don’t know if it is a universal experience for my peers, but things are starting to feel serious. The future is uncertain, the current social and political climate is uncertain, life is uncertain – it’s all feeling very “adult.” Part of what makes it feel this way seems to be that I don’t have my family around; my sister is gone on her exchange and the rest of my family is back at home, which means that I have to start suiting up and face issues on my own. That’s what university is about… right?
To an extent, I felt prepared for all this to happen. I knew what I signed up for starting my adult life, but there were certain things that I didn’t even think to prepare for: one of them being loss. Surprisingly, I have experienced loss more than once this year, with the death of my grandfather being the most recent. His death was similar to many others of old age – I could assume it was going to happen soon, but how prepared could anyone ever really be for the death of a loved one?
His death of course came at the same time I found out I had mono, so I was forced to sit in my room and think about everything as opposed to facing any sort of distraction. The week made me feel lonely in a time when all I could think about was being with my family, but it opened my eyes to the unfortunate reality that this will be what grief may look like in my adult life. I’m lucky enough to have a huge support system, with friends close by that I can easily open up to and close family that will pick up whenever I call, but it’s not the same having to navigate something like this when isolated.
Grief manifests in different forms and I’m not usually the person who deals with their emotions by sitting still, so having mono while coping with the death of my grandfather has been an extra challenge in navigating my grief. However, I haven’t considered it a bad thing. Being able to sit with my emotions and being forced to process them without distraction has allowed me a lot of time for reflection on how big of an influence he had on my life. While alone in my room over the past week or so, I’ve been able to think about the opportunities my grandfather provided for me and the interests that he sparked in me for travel, education, my family lineage and so much more.
Resting with my grief has surrendered me to it. Being sick has allowed me to face and understand my pain and I’m not upset with the accompanying introspection. That being said, one of the most important parts of this solitude for me has been remembering that I’m not actually alone. I’m so fortunate to have people that love and care for me, even if they aren’t physically nearby to show that encouragement. I owe so much of the beauty in this process to my incredible friends and family, without whom dealing with this adult process of grief in university, may have been much harder.
If I could give any advice to people in university going through something similar, it would be to stay connected to the people that you love while remembering that solitude in grief is not a bad thing. Allow for reflection and introspection and remember the beautiful things that those lost provided for you, as opposed to focusing on the fact that they’re no longer around. Grief is an individual experience and you choose how you face it.