Words shape the way we think. How we use them to encourage (or discourage) others have so much power in how we see others and how we see ourselves. In the digital age, there is always an endless stream of content for us to compare, contrast and criticize. We need to stop hating on each other, and we need to stop letting mean words be the center of so many of our friendships. It’s time to change up the conversation.
As young people in the digital age, we struggle to build genuine relationships. Our in-person communication skills are often inadequate because we’re so used to overcoming social “roadblocks” through the tools of social media and technology. When we go out with our friends, we take our phones. When we’re in an awkward situation, we look at our phones. When we’re in one-on-one settings, even then, we still check our phones. Our generation does not know how to connect spontaneously with each other anymore. Moreover, social media has driven our insecurities through the roof. Our generation is the first that has grown up in a world where our direct surroundings are not the only influence on us. We’re influenced by everything going on around us, and by everything we see on the internet. It’s hard not to compare ourselves to others, to not wish we were in the shoes of our friends or favourite celebrities who we think have it all.
Due to how we’ve grown up, we find it easy to default to gossip in conversation. It’s an easy, common ground for us to talk about other people in awkward silences. But just because gossip is common, even normalized, doesn’t mean it is okay. If words shape how we think, gossip is encouraging a constant mindset of negative thinking or an obsession over the lives of others. It is unproductive to your personal growth and creates a rocky foundation for friendships to be built upon.
After recognizing these friendships that revolve around gossip, the tricky part is trying to figure out what to do next. When we have friendships based on talking about other people, trying to switch up the conversation is going to be uncomfortable. It will probably seem weird. Again, we are part of a generation that avoids direct confrontation and instead lets it happen over text or social media. However, directly confronting the problem, and forcing yourself to switch up your conversations is critical to promoting positive thoughts in all areas of your life.
The question still remains though, how do we start to change up the conversation? If you have like-minded friends, then the conversation should still be able to flow in the absence of gossip. It’s important to look around at the types of people you surround yourself with. Try surrounding yourself with people who have similar interests to you, people whom you can spend time and do activities with, people who aren’t uncomfortable with spending time off their phones. Promote adventure, or find friends that do— it’s a great way to bond in a friendship that feels a little uncomfortable.
How to bond with existing friends though? Why not ask your friends things about themselves. It can definitely be a little uncomfortable having “what’s your favourite colour” type conversations, but taking the time to actually get to know about your friends’ interests might lead to discovering you had similarities you never knew about. There’s a game called, “We’re Not Really Strangers” that isn’t so much a game as it is a conversation starter. It’s a great way to break the ice between friends and get to know each other by having conversations you might not have “naturally”.
Conversations are about sharing, but also about listening. Learn to listen actively to what your friend has to say and take talking points from there—or even just listen. This both keeps you away from gossip and fosters your friendship.
It’s awkward to reroute your conversations and suddenly stop contributing to gossip. Especially if this means spending less time with people you know who don’t want to talk about anything else. However, once your conversations shift, you will notice a difference. When you start to have more meaningful conversations, you’ll grow. Your friends will then have the opportunity to grow with you. Your friendships then become so much more valuable—they become more real and less focused on the happenings of other peoples’ lives (things that don’t affect you). By having a meaningful conversation, your self-perception shifts and you may find out things you never knew about yourself. So, if it’s not nice or not about you … just don’t say it.