Ever since I could remember, I felt slightly off. I remember inspecting my life and trying to figure it out. I realized that I just did not seem as happy as others. When I was in middle school people brushed me off as being pessimistic. Even I thought that maybe I just focused on negative things too much.These feelings didn’t cause me any issues until I was a Freshman in High School. I started sleeping more than usual and when I was awake I felt like there was a haze constantly surrounding me. During this time I stopped painting, reading, and participating in other activities I previously loved to do. I stopped hanging out with people and would always come straight home. I would put on a movie, only to end up not watching it. My mother believed it was because of the cold and gloomy winter but when summer came around I still had ‘the feeling’.
I felt like something was extremely wrong with me so I decided to talk about it with my best friend. After explaining to him what I was feeling he responded harshly, saying stuff like “but you have a great life”, “you never seemed sad to me”, and “people have it so much worse you have nothing to feel sad about”. These statements were extremely hateful and made me feel ashamed. I raked my brain trying to find out why I felt this way. I had grown up in a normal home with a loving family who loved to travel. We always had dinner on the table and I never saw my parents fight. I was involved in sports, school clubs, and considered myself pretty social. I could not find one thing in my life to be depressed about, so I kept these feelings inside, too ashamed for anyone to know.
During the rest of High School, I would experience these feelings in waves. There was always a thought in the back of my mind that it would come back worse each time. My worries decreased as I prepared for college. I felt like I was starting a new life full of adventures and new experiences, and I felt like anything was possible! That was until my depression suddenly came back worse than it had ever been. I slept through a lot of my classes and didn’t leave my bed during the second month of school. When my grades and social life started to plunge, I finally decided to talk to my mom who suggested I go see a professional. I went home to talk to my doctor, and was diagnosed with Mild to Moderate depression. My doctor believed that my depression was triggered by a number of changes in my life that all occurred in a short amount of time. That week I started taking antidepressants but they took a few weeks to really kick into action.
Medicine is not always the answer, and there were other things that helped me cope. I made some lifestyle changes, worked out more, stopped drinking, and created a sleep schedule. After I started feeling better, I set up a support system for myself. It consisted of my mom and a few trusted friends whom I felt comfortable confiding in, though I still felt ashamed of my depression. This support system has been one of the greatest tools in helping with mental health.
Currently I’m a Junior at Purdue University, and have been weaned off my medication. More importantly, I no longer feel ashamed of my disease. I still have a bottle of my medication because the depression is extremely likely to return. I would be lying if I said that I feel completely cured. Some nights I still have insomnia and lack motivation but now I just talk about it with my support group. When I learned how to talk about my feelings and realized that no one was judging me, the symptoms were not as severe. I know that I have a loving group of people who just want to see me healthy and happy.
I used to feel like I was completely alone in my struggle, and that nobody understood it, but after doing my research I found out this is far from the truth. Depression is the most common mental illness, with the Center for Disease Control reporting that more than 26% of the adult population are affected. Females between the ages of 18-30 have the highest rates of depression.
If you are experiencing feelings of depression or other mental illnesses, do not be afraid to reach out:
- Purdue University Student Health Center- 601 Stadium Mall Dr. (765) 494-1700
- NDMDA Depression Hotline – Support Group (800)-826-3632
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline- Call: 1-800-273-8255 Text: Text START to 741-741