I turned 20 this year, and honestly, I still don’t know how I feel about it. There is something uniquely terrifying about entering a whole new decade.
It’s a new milestone, but I feel sad that I am not a teenager anymore. There are no big celebrations like turning 18 or 21, just surprising emotional weight.
My fear of turning 20 doesn’t stem from a fear of aging. I’m not scared of wrinkles or getting grey hair. It’s more about my pressure to “figure things out.”
I have been reflecting this past month and feel like all the people I know who are 20 look like they know what they’re doing. Life seems to be moving faster for them, and they seem to be doing more and becoming someone.
I feel a sense of grief for the teenage years I’m leaving behind. Even though there was unnecessary drama and awkwardness, it still felt free. We were expected to make mistakes; identities weren’t supposed to be figured out yet, and mostly, time felt infinite.
Now, at 20, I feel like I am behind in a race I didn’t know I was running. The stakes feel higher. I am supposed to be working toward a career, building something stable, and becoming someone dependable. And if not? That fear creeps in again.
I caught myself comparing everything. Scrolling through Instagram, I’d see people my age starting businesses, getting internships at places I still dream about, moving out, falling in love, and still seeming so put-together.
Meanwhile, I was just trying to figure out what to eat for dinner and whether I even liked the major I chose.
It is a strange and lonely kind of stress. Life is happening around me and I’m just trying to keep up.
The world doesn’t seem as forgiving anymore, and at 20, everything seems like it has to count toward something.
But here’s what I’m learning: Growth is not always loud or obvious.
And turning 20 doesn’t mean I should have everything figured out or have all the answers.
Sometimes, growth is quiet. It happens in small, uncertain moments. In learning to sit with the discomfort, in allowing ourselves to question, to pivot, to not know. The anxiety I feel for my upcoming birthday shows I care.
It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to not have your “passion” all mapped out.
The twenties aren’t about perfection. They’re about exploration, trying things that may or may not work, and learning to be okay with temporary messiness.
Some days I feel lost and some days I feel like I’m catching glimpses of who I’m becoming. Both are part of this new decade. Both are valid.
Even in spring, the season I was born into, not everything blooms all at once. So I have to learn to be patient with the process. Hopeful that, even if I can’t see it yet, something beautiful is quietly unfolding within me.
So if you’re 20 (or about to be) and you’re scared, I’m with you. It’s not just you. You’re not late. You’re not broken. You’re just becoming.
And becoming takes time.