Right now, many of us are enjoying Spring Break, Easter weekend, and/or approaching summer vacation. While breaks from school can be and should be a fun and relaxing time away from all the work, for some it can be just as stressful (if not more). As someone who has recently come out as bisexual to my immediate family and to a few extended family members, I can say that dealing with certain people can be incredibly draining. It’s one thing to not share the same views as a family member, but it’s another to have them disapprove with who you are all together. So here are some tips to getting through the family get-togethers and trips back home.
Inspired by WikiHow and Alternet
Don’t expect their approval, but make it clear that their permission is also not needed.
It’s just an unfortunate fact that you won’t be able to get everyone to understand and change their views. Many won’t even want to try. It’s important to realize that this has nothing to do with you. If they approve and are okay with your sexuality or gender, that’s great! If not, let them know that you will still continue to be yourself in spite of their disapproval.
Be understanding and patient too.
It’s easy and understandable to be upset if a relative does not seem to be on board right off the bat. Try to realize for some people this is all brand new. If religious beliefs are involved, again, try with them as they learn rather than just expecting them to change all of their views immediately. They may not be used to it being “okay” to be out and proud. Remember how long it took you to understand yourself and even accept yourself. Try to give others time to wrap their heads around it and learn too.
For those who don’t understand but are trying, encourage them to ask questions.
Communication is a great way to open the doors for understanding. Many negative attitudes toward the LGBTQ+ community stem from confusion and a wariness of things they’re unfamiliar with. If they are able to ask questions, they might be more open to learning and getting beyond stereotypes. At the same time though, do not feel obligated to be their personal Google. You don’t have to answer all their questions, especially if they make you uncomfortable.
Pick your battles.
While it’s frustrating to have to deal with hearing offensive, incorrect, and just plain silly things regarding the LGBTQ+ community or other views of yours, sometimes it just isn’t worth starting an argument over. Generally, these debates will be fruitless and only lead to even more tension — trust me, I know. If someone is open to having a discussion, that’s one thing, but often your very old-fashioned, conservative uncle isn’t spouting off “facts” from Fox News because he wants a civil discussion. Sometimes you have to accept that some people don’t want to believe anything else. If you can, try to divert the topic elsewhere before too many feelings are hurt.
Make it personal, but not too personal.
Sometimes it’s just impossible to not defend yourself. When you do, try to bring up the personal connection. Drop a casual reminder that you or someone close to you identifies as something other than straight, or as transgender, and that their comments are making you uncomfortable. That is, if you’re out and/or feel safe doing so. Generally speaking, it’s best to avoid any outbursts unless you are okay with the possible consequences (sometimes, you’ve just got to let them have it though). If it can be avoided, try not to let a shouting match get started.
Know who supports you.
As I said before, it can be emotionally and mentally draining to have to deal with people who disapprove of your sexual orientation or gender. I can’t remember how many times I’ve been trapped in a car with a ranting relative (before he/she knew I wasn’t straight) and wanted nothing more than to explode. It can be helpful to know who around you is safe and has your back, or even to just have your phone with you so you can stay in contact with those people. It’s at least a small comfort to be able to text your friends or sibling when you’re not feeling too great in a situation. Knowing who my allies are in any situation makes me feel that much more safe.
Give them time and don’t give up on them.
Even if they don’t react well right away, don’t lose hope. People can change their views all the time and sometimes, a personal connection can be the perfect catalyst for that change. It may not happen overnight, but given some education and a bit of time, your once disapproving family members might just change for the better.