(Trigger Warning: discussion of rape and sexual assault)
Off the top of your head, how many things can you name that you do to protect yourself from rape? If you’re a woman or gender non-conforming individual, chances are you could list quite a few. You may have one of those cute cat shaped self defense key chains. Or an app that alerts the police if you press a button. You probably constantly look over your shoulder when walking alone. Sadly this is the norm for most women. Recent events on campus have reminded us that the burden of rape prevention rests squarely on the shoulders of women, even though 90% of the time they are the victims according to RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network). When you think about it, there are plenty of things women are regularly told to watch out for that men aren’t. Strangely enough, men aren’t told not to rape as often as women are told to be careful.
1. Always tell a friend where you’re going… (vs. don’t attack someone who’s walking alone)
In the real world, the only way to be sure you’ll make it home safe is to take action yourself. Because who would expect that they’ll return to from an a first time date safe? Oh…wait…men do. Unfortunately for women, when going on to a nighttime event, on a date, or with people you don’t know, we have to make sure someone knows our location. It’s not uncommon for me to send check in text to my roommate if she stays out late, even if she’s just out with friends.
Yet how often do our brothers or male friends, unprompted, send check in texts? Not as often as our female friends. Besides a rare few, most have the luxury of ignoring how terrifying being alone with a stranger is a someone who’s not male. I’d love to see more of guys making sure their female friends have a ride home. And I mean this strictly in a platonic sense, a guy shouldn’t have to be your boyfriend to care that you get home safe. Also offering someone a ride home is not a favor you can cash in, it’s what a decent human being should do without need compensation.
2. Keep an eye on your drink at all times… (vs. don’t poison someone’s drink?)
Going to college, we’ve all received warning to not accept drinks from strangers. We hear on the news that a nail polish to detect date rape drugs has been created and we think it’s a great idea. At parties, friends ask us to hold their drink so it’s never unattended. Even Women’s Health magazine has a guide to date rape drugs and how to avoid them. Society tells us the only way to stay safe is constant vigilance. After all, leaving your drink unattended is asking for trouble.
Honestly, why is drink watching limited to women? It’s a good idea for everyone to keep an eye on their drink. More then that, maybe don’t poison my drink? Men may not care as much about being drugged but they probably want to keep track of how much they’ve had to drink in a night. It’s not hard for a guy to make someone’s life easier by keeping track of their cup. If he notices someone messing with another person’s cup, he should do something. Either tell the person when they get back or just throw out the cup. It would be nice if women and non-binary folks weren’t the only ones forced constantly keep an awareness of their surroundings.
3. Don’t wear anything provocative… (vs. don’t think my outfit is an indication of sexual consent)
Your skirt can’t be too short, your dress can’t be too tight, your top can’t be too low cut. Only women who dress slutty are raped… right? Everytime I hear the phrase “she was asking for it,” I shudder. By this logic anyone wearing a hijab or niqab, children, and men would never be victims of sexual assault. In reality, clothing is not consent. Just because someone is wearing a swim suit doesn’t mean you can push them into the pool without asking first.
Slam poet Anna Binkovitz said in one of her performances “Stop asking people’s clothings to have sex with you.” I think this is pretty poignant considering that women are often treated as if we are nothing but the clothes we wear. No matter who you are sleeping with, your sexual partner is a person with the autonomy to decide what they do and do not want. I am more than the size of my bra or the curve of my hips. If a man cannot accept that his sexual partner may and can end sexual contact at any time they please, than he is not mature enough to be engaging in sex with another person.
4. The ones you really need to watch for are strangers… (vs. don’t rape your friend)
The warnings we get on TV and by our loved ones seem to stem from the belief that rape is random act of violence perpetrated by strangers out to get you. In reality, the University of Michigan tells us that there is no typical profile for a rapists. According to RAINN, three out of four instances of rape are committed by an acquaintance of the victim. That means that being raped by a current or former significant other is not an uncommon experience. You are more likely to be assaulted by someone you know the name of rather than a stranger in an alleyway.
So, how do prevent rape from happening if you know the person? The first step is determing consent. Contrary to popular belief, consenting once to a relationship or a sexual act does not mean sex is always agreed to. Consent is situational and varies depending on mood, intoxication, and the act itself. Imagine if you let someone borrow your car to get groceries and then the next time they needed groceries took your car without asking That would seem way out of line, right?
So a word of advice to everyone (but men in particular). Regardless of how many times you may or may not have slept with a person, treat each time as an individual instance. In fact, it would be best to discuss what all parties are comfortable with before initiating sex. It doesn’t have to be a long drawn out conversation. You can just say “Hey are you okay with A and B? Is there anything that’s off limits?” this way everyone know what they are getting into.
Let’s open up the conversation of rape prevention to people of all genders. If we want to stop rape, men need to be active participants in prevention.