People ask me all the time what I mean when I say that I am “seeing” a guy. My mom asks if we are “dating,” my friends ask if they should try to get to know him, and my sister asks if she can add him on Instagram. My answer is always no. The dating world has modernized and relationships don’t have to be so black and white. If all of this sounds a little crazy to you, let me be the first to tell you: if you and your partner do not feel the desire or need to define your relationship, you don’t have to.
Defining the relationship, DTR as we hear it referred to in Hollywood, is something that seems like a check in a box in just about every romantic comedy. The reality is, humans engage in all types of connections and relationships — sexual, romantic, platonic, work, etc. — and sometimes we form close bonds with a person exclusively because of one of these connections. It’s pretty much impossible to find someone that you’re sexually attracted to, that treats you well, that you can work well with and feel this way about him or her 100% of the time. And that is OK! If you find someone that checks one of the boxes of the things you look for in a potential partner, it’s perfectly normal to engage in a title-less relationship and just enjoy having a friend, co-worker or a sexual partner.
The stigma surrounding “friends with benefits” relationships seems to be either super empowered or super frowned upon. Engaging in a sexual relationship with a friend that may or may not be a potential significant other is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as you’re comfortable and being safe (of course), a friends with benefits relationship may actually be a really good idea. In fact, it may help you figure out what you’re looking for emotionally and physically in more serious relationships later on.
Exclusivity can be a part of an undefined relationship but it doesn’t have to be. This has been the hardest pill for my friends, my mom and me to swallow. At first, I thought that my partner and I had to be exclusive. I almost lost him because I pushed so hard to lock him down. I couldn’t have been more wrong! In fact, having an open relationship has made us closer because we’re able to talk about our feelings with each other and we want to give each other feedback regarding how we think things are going in our relationship. I have been in relationships for years where I haven’t been able to talk to my significant other about what I’m thinking. We check in frequently about whether or not we want to be exclusive.
Ultimately, you need to do what you feel is right for you. This may mean after reading this article you immediately call your partner and demand a title. Or it could mean that four years down the road you randomly ask your partner “So… what are we?” If you feel like you need to define the relationship, do it! If you don’t feel like you need to, please take it from me that you can overcome the snide remarks from your mom or friends in titled relationships and thrive in an undefined relationship. If you’re happy, you’re doing this whole relationship thing right.
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