This past year has been defined by uncertainty and change, perhaps more than any other — for pretty much everyone. It’s thrown curveball after curveball.
On March 10, the first significant change hit: our classes were going remote and we had five days to move out of the dorms — five days of tears and sadness and uncertainty. In those five days, another trend emerged, in which everyone seemed to savor the moment significantly more than we had before. Schoolwork was pushed to the side in favor of time laughing with friends, even though none of us had any idea we would still be separated a year later.
A stubborn appreciation and gratitude for what I do have, even when a lot seems to have been taken away, is what’s gotten me through this past year.
Quarantine threw a lot at me — though not nearly as much as some people; all my family members and friends have survived, which I am thankful for every day.
I’m from Saipan, the U.S. territory next to Guam (that almost no one I meet has heard of), and so it didn’t make sense for me to go back home when COVID-19 hit. Instead, I moved in with my aunt, uncle and cousins in Long Beach, CA. I didn’t know them very well when I first arrived and was uncertain about my place there. Now, through board game nights, family dinners, Netflix binging and LOTS of homemade cookies, they have become very close and important to me.
It has given me gratitude for what quarantine has given me — time: time to bond with family, to grow in my faith and to become confident in who I am. I never would have gotten very close with my family in Long Beach if not for the time we spent together during the pandemic, so I focus on how grateful I am for these relationships rather than all the opportunities COVID-19 took away.
Pepperdine canceled my summer internship in London due to the pandemic and then, a few months later, decided my senior year would start (and, now, will likely also end) online.
The cancelation of my internship quite unexpectedly left me open for something very different — my first real relationship. Although it is now over, it taught me a lot about myself, love, and how to be a better person. It was also a bright spot during a time defined by change and loneliness. I will always be grateful for my first relationship.
I really missed my Pepperdine friends and was starting to feel really lonely in the fall when, BAM, I got mono. Mono that lingered for months, making me nauseous and fatigued and even more isolated.
Surprisingly, mono made me appreciative of a number of things. First, it made me grateful for the energy that typically characterizes my life — when something you’re used to is suddenly gone, it forces you to have a greater appreciation for how important it is. It taught me to not take being energetic or being able to eat normally for granted.
Second: online school. I don’t know how I would have gotten through last semester and successfully completed my classes if they had been in person.
And, finally, it made me grateful for the people in my life who were there for me, either in-person or over Zoom. Whether they were there to make me mac and cheese, sit with me as I ate at a painfully slow pace, watch New Girl nonstop or talk to me to distract me from how awful I felt, the people I love were present and loving during a really difficult time.
This semester, I was able to move in with some friends in Malibu, and I have been so grateful for the opportunity it’s given me to connect with and enjoy their presence again. Even though not everyone is here, being separated for so long really has made me more appreciative of every movie night, hike, and late night, in-person conversation I do get to have.
Surprisingly, I also grew significantly in self-confidence over quarantine, finally coming to appreciate who I am. For most of my life, I was afraid to be myself, afraid to be judged or disliked.
Living with family, having my first relationship and seeing which friends truly stuck around as we scattered across the globe showed me that being afraid of people not liking me is what has always held me back. Real relationships form when both parties are honest about themselves and proudly display their quirks and weird qualities.
I realized all the people I’ve been pulled to — both platonically and romantically — are unabashedly themselves, and their unique qualities are what makes them intriguing and fun to be around.
In forgoing attempts to be “cool” in favor of being honest and quirky and “weird,” my new relationships (familial, romantic and platonic) all flourished and grew. In accepting myself, I finally found the acceptance I had dreamed of for so long.
Believing in yourself is an internal battle; other people cannot make you love who you are. There are still plenty of things I need to work on — I’m still too afraid of taking risks, and I could be a much better listener. But you have to love yourself as you are, which isn’t always easy. I did it by forcing myself to focus on my positive traits and consistently reminding myself of my capabilities (both in existing strengths and overcoming weaknesses).
I am so grateful for this newfound, stronger belief in myself, as well as for the people that have been there for me throughout quarantine. This sense of gratitude has defined my past year. It’s been weird and shocking and full of twists. In facing each of these twists, I have stubbornly focused on what I have to be grateful for — which has made me a more positive and hopeful person even when life seems really hard.
Whenever possible, remember what you have to be grateful for. There will be days full of tears and sadness and a sense of loss, but within the loss focus on what is to be gained — whether it’s time with loved ones, self improvement and growth, or just more time to devote to hobbies, we typically can find something to be grateful for. Gratitude has the power to transform our mindset and our lives no matter how difficult they may get.