For those of you who don’t know me, it’s important that you know that for years I have suffered from social anxiety and depression, which causes me to constantly degrade myself in my head based on others’ and my own expectations. I know that the negative things I think of myself are not true, but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling the pain from the doubts my illnesses incite. This was why I’ve always had trouble making new friends and expressing myself in unfamiliar environments. My disorders would basically hold me hostage with all these negative thoughts preventing me from opening up when I really wanted to. It wasn’t until I accidentally came across a poem on Tumblr by Nikita Gill did my head suddenly become clear and I thought someone finally saw me changing my life in the process.
The little poem was called “Your Ruins,” and it talked about not destroying yourself for others because it wasn’t worth it and if you did that it should be for a spectacular reason. This for some reason resonated with me causing me to seek out more poems from the woman and learn more about her as well. It turns out that Nikita Gill wasn’t just a successful young author, but a big insta-poet as well with a current following of 578K followers. This due to Nikita’s poems being raw and inspiring because she wrote them based on her own experiences with mental illnesses and abusive relationships allowing people such as me to see that we’re not alone. Her poems are a beacon of light in our darknesses to remind us that we are worth it and better than we thought. Without her, I wouldn’t be the person I am today and because of that, I could never thank the woman enough since I just need to read one of her poems to cheer myself up. That is why as a loyal follower of this revelatory poet I have decided to share with my readers one of my favorite poems from all of her published books so that hopefully she’ll inspire you too.
“Beautiful, Terrible Things” from Your Soul Is A River
You are a thing
Both beautiful
And terrible,
And you deserve
someone
who treats you
like the moon
and can love
the dark side
of your soul too.
“A Conversation with My Mental Illness” from Wild Embers: Poems of Rebellion, Fire and Beauty
Every sleepless night I am interrogated
By the darkness that lives inside me.
It says to me:
‘You are pointless.’
I respond:
‘No one in the world is pointless.’
It scowls at me:
‘You are a terrible person’
I admit:
‘I am a good person who did terrible things.’
It rages at me:
‘No one needs you.’
I countered:
‘There are people who have adored me.’
It seethes me:
‘And what of those who hated you?’
I sigh:
‘Being unforgiving of others is a sign of insecurity.’
It finally explodes:
‘I will make sure you always doubt yourself!’
And every night
I gather my courage
as my armor and say:
‘And whenever you do,
I will always at the vastness
of the ever changing sky
the presence of a moon
that helps the sea
the same sunset that has been going
around the earth
for billions of years
and remind myself
that the same universe that made them
and gave them such purpose
also made me.
And nothing you say to me
will ever convince me otherwise
because that is a fact
I will never question about my journey.’
“The Evil Queen” from Fierce Fairytales: & Other Stories to Stir Your Soul
Oh dearie me,
did you come here
looking for a damsel in distress?
A queen patiently waiting
for a dashing knight
to save her from herself?
Did you really think
this was going
to end with you
playing the hero by bringing
the kindness out
of the evil queen?
Look again love,
someone has lied to you
about my hidden virtue.
I have always loved
being the beast.
“What To Say When They Think You Have Have Come To Them For Validation” from Your Heart Is The Sea
My witchcraft,
does not answer to you.
I did not come here for validation,
for your words
to bring out the best in me,
when I am already
the best I can be.
I came here
to tell you my magic is mine
and mine alone.
You can love me
or hate me,
but this how I was made,
thunder skinned
and lightning boned.
“Advice from Hestia to Girls” from Great Goddesses: Life Lessons from Myths and Monsters
You are not made of paper.
If you were, you would have
turned to ash a long time ago.
You are more. Bone, and muscle,
and beginnings and endings –
evoke that when the world tries
to convince you that you are small.
You are not stone. Your heart is warm,
but seek no homes in other people’s chest,
seek no truths there while your own heart,
each throb, reminds you of your true home.
You are not made of paper.
Paper is easy to use and crush,
and you were not made for that.
You were made flame first.
And fire is born knowing
its elemental nature.
It knows the mystic force in shining alone.
For more of Nikita Gill’s amazing poems, here are her social media and books:
Twitter: @nktgill
Instagram: @nikita_gill
Facebook: @nikitagillwrites
Tumblr: @meanwhilepoetry
Her newest book The Girl and the Goddess came out on September 29, 2020.