As of November 2018, I began my mindfulness journey. Admittedly, it’s been a bit of a struggle, because it’s all about changing one’s way of life––the way I view it, the way I interact with it, the way I learn and grow from it. There are many days where I am bubbling full of life and energy and happiness, because of the immense amount of positivity I allow into my life, while there are also almost as many days where I am down, disheartened, feeling as though there is no point in anything I am doing.
What’s fascinating about all this is that I have these moments journaled.
I have two journals: my daily journal (aka my “morning pages”) and my meditation journal. The first is the one I like to start my day off with, or at least I try my hardest to (as there are a few entries that are from either midday or nighttime). It often allows me to release whatever thoughts, good or bad, I wake up with and start my day on a clean slate.
The second journal, however, is the one I enjoy using after meditation. Oftentimes, for me at least, I finish my meditation sessions with a “clear” mind that is almost like my purest state of mind. With that, I like to journal whatever happens to be in my mind, which may be a reflection of what was bothering me earlier or of my meditation session or of just whatever comes into mind for some reason.
With that, I thought it would be fun to go through my journals and just give a glimpse into what goes through my mind during my mindfulness journey!
Entry #1: 12/7/18 (my first ever meditation entry)
“… I love the sensation of opening my eyes at the end of each session and feeling a new, refreshed lens over my eyes. As if I put on a new pair of contacts. It’s a weird clarity that I simply don’t know how to describe. It’s like looking at my dorm room for the first time – which is how I consistently feel after each mindfulness session. And it’s not only sight.
My body feels more attuned to itself. My window beside me is wide open, letting in the cold winter air throughout the room. It was easy in the beginning of the session to ignore the air attempting to nip at my skin. Mind over body – as I normally would say. However, during the session, it’s not necessarily like I got cold, but my mind tuned into the physical sesnsations my body was dealing with and I found myself bursting into two rapid bursts of shivers out of the blue without thinking about the crisp air. As weird as it may sound, I appreciated those bursts of shivers, because before they occurred, I found my mind wandering to how I had a warm aura almost blanketing me from the air. That was a moment of mind over body, but I genuinely was happy when there was a balance and an acknowledgment of the physical world, which is often forgotten about…”
Entry #2: 1/9/19 (meditation journal)
“… Something I acknowledge through my ‘Appreciation’ sessions on Headspace is that I need to work on appreciating all the past and present relationships I’ve made with others. No matter at what point in my life or for however long. I need to begin acknowledging how these relationships turned me into the person I am today – and I have to admit that I’m not a bad person. I have values that I’m proud of, interests that I enjoy, a style that I back entirely (well, always upgrading, of course), and memories and experiences that I will forever cherish. No matter how good or bad they are – they all helped me grow as an individual, specifically an individual to be proud of…”
Entry #3: 2/7/19 (9:33am – daily journal)
“I feel like there’s been too many days (including today) in which I started off my morning feeling like poop – feeling disappointed in myself.
I don’t like it.
I need to change it.
… I’ve been allowing negativity to consume my day-to-day life. Heck, even my night-to-night life since that leads me into feeling like this and writing posts like this in the morning.
I need to up the positivity.
Positivity won’t magically come to me. I need to work for it!
Let’s make today – let’s actually make this day one filled with positivity!”
Entry #4: 4/14/19 (2:37am – daily journal)
“… I wanted to write a night time reflection on myself over the past few days.
It’s hard remaining happy. It’s hard not being hurt. It’s hard to focus on what I do have and not on what I don’t. It’s hard putting on a smile and knowing it’s only for show. It’s hard restraining that impulsive side of me that wants to be released and wreak havoc. It’s hard loving myself.
But I have the best support anyone could ever ask for. I have the resources I need readily available. I have the ability to do more for myself in terms of career, relationships, and self-care/love. I have the power to make change. I have the freedom to prevent myself from going down the wrong path. I have the voice to speak my mind and put a stop to the negativity trying to speak over me. I have the knowledge of all this – a high level of self-awareness that I can use to my advantage to better myself and grow in life.
So, no matter how many times I may almost fail and succumb to what will ultimately end up hurting me, I will always be able to push past it all and find myself back onto my journey.
Keep kicking ass, Evelyn!
You can do it!