Looking back on my 2018 is…cringe-y to say the least. There were so many moments of insecurity, pitifulness, and temporary loss of respect for myself. So many, in fact, that I’m a bit embarrassed. My 2018 started out with the loss of a friendship—a friendship that, at the time, I couldn’t see was extremely toxic to me and my friend group. Then onto my summer, during which I worked at a leadership camp hosted by my university—a job that sparked a lot of growth in me but also bred feelings of loneliness because I didn’t quite fit in. The start of the fall semester? My first heartbreak, which was the most frustrating and inconclusive event that had ever happened to me. Not to mention the countless moments of reckless situations I put myself in to numb the pain. 2018 was…rough. And I am about fed up with letting other people make me feel less than a boss babe in this new year.
SO I have made a resolution for 2019! A resolution for positivity, productivity, and patience.
Photo Credit: Pixabay
Positivity
I found that during my summer of “not fitting in,” it was hard to be happy. Everyone had their own friend group, and I just felt like a loner. And for my job at a leadership camp, it was almost essential to exude happiness and positivity in order to motivate the younger students around me. Looking back, I wish that I would have been more positive and amicable as to make others around me feel more comfortable. I can recall that, when I was positive, I had more fun and didn’t feel as lonely as I did when I was being negative and closing myself off.
Productivity
The fall semester could have gone a lot better than it did. But emotionally, I was a wreck. And it’s easy to let our emotions take over. I was bitter, confused, and insecure; the unexpected breakup took a toll on my confidence and I was still a bit hung up on the loss of the friendship. I wasn’t–and I’m still not–the person I used to be. No matter how much I hate to admit it, it changed me. Hardened me. Took the little trust I gave to people away. It’s hard to go from texting and communicating with someone every day to suddenly just dropping all contact. This year, I don’t want to let others bring me down, nor do I want my emotions to take over my life. No matter what happens, the world will continue to turn. And it’s not revolving around me and my emotions. There are plenty of people in this world. If we’ve done all we can to keep the ones we love and they STILL leave, it’s their loss. Find someone who reciprocates the effort and love that you put into the friendship or relationship. That is what I have decided to do. I’m prioritizing friendships and putting “love” on the backburner in order to do better in school and focus on my future this year. Being an upperclassman premed student, it’s time for me to crack down and finalize my preparation for medical school. Productivity is key!
Patience
While I want to be productive, living in a constant state of med school preparation is stressful, and there is little immediate satisfaction from all the hard work. Being a pre-med student is tough because you never really know where you stand. You can have a high GPA, work, do research, take plenty of leadership roles in campus organizations, and etc., but, in reality, you never really know if that’s enough because admissions committees compare you with everyone else in your application pool. So instead of getting too stressed about my future and running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I want to pace myself, take deep breaths and have patience. I have decided that I WILL get into medical school. Whether that be the semester that I planned for or a few years from now after I pursue a master’s or take a gap year, I WILL get in. And I will become a doctor in the specialty I want. So instead of stressing so much, I’ve decided to do what I can, of course, but to also take some time to enjoy the small moments that life has to offer.