Let’s be real: Valentine’s Day is not a universally loved holiday. Especially for those of us who fall under the category of perpetually single (this includes me). Because not a single real-life man has decided to snatch me up, I have decided to focus my attention on men who are fictional, out of my league, or simply not aware of my existence. Makes sense right? Well, here are eight love letters that profess my undying love for some fictional and celebrity men.
Taron Egerton
Dear Taron,
You are the newest addition to my list of imaginary boyfriends, but that does not mean I love you any less. Your performance, most importantly, your abs, in Kingsman: The Secret Service blew me away. You have all the qualities of a perfect boyfriend: you are sweet, good-humored, and can sing like an angel. Your versatility as an actor is also quite impressive. Whether you are playing a singing gorilla, a legendary thief, a nerdy British ski jumper, or a balding Elton John, you still look so ding-dang delicious. Keep up the good work. You’re doing amazing sweetie!
Niall Horan
My dearest Niall,
Was it your voice, your Irish accent, or your laugh that made me fall in love with you? I’m not exactly sure, but I knew that after falling into a hole of “One Direction’s Funniest Moments” videos on YouTube – you were the one for me. We’ve been through a lot these last seven years, including your band going on hiatus and the start of your solo career, but I have been nothing but supportive. If only you would somehow acknowledge my love for you, I am just your type. I am hilarious, a brunette and, most importantly, single! I understand, though, that music and golf are your true loves, so I’ll be patient. Happy Valentine’s Day, my dear leprechaun!
Tom Holland
Dear love of my life,
Are my spidey senses tingling or are you just in love with me? Okay, that pick-up line was horrible, but I know you still loved it, Tom! You are the most frustrating of all my crushes because you and I truly belong together. We have the same sense of humor, we both love dogs, and we are both incredible dancers. There may be some roadblocks (ahem, Zendaya), but I believe we can work through this and become the ultimate power couple! I am willing to wait because I know that will make our union that much sweeter. Love you long time boo!
Draco Malfoy
Dear Slytherin boy,
Every girl loves a bad boy, and I suppose you’re mine! When reading J.K. Rowling’s masterpiece series, Harry Potter, I found myself straying away from the Golden Trio and wanting to know desperately of your whereabouts. The fact that Tom Felton brings you to life does not help much for my crush either. Alas, this can never be for several reasons. First of all, I’m a Gryffindor and you, a Slytherin, so we are sworn enemies. Second, you are kinda mean. Thirdly, you and your family had spent some time working for the Dark Lord, and that for sure goes against my morals. I’d be down for the whole star-crossed lover’s thing, but you saw how that worked out for Romeo and Juliet. Toodaloo lover!
Shawn Mendes
Dear Tempter,
STOP BEING SO DANG CUTE! Shawn, you are one heck of a man. You sing, write music, play the guitar, and are so open with your emotions. Who gave you permission to be like this? While I have resisted your attempts to become a full-time boyfriend, you keep coming back with your beautiful, dark curls, muscles, and your sharp jawline. I will continue to resist you, though, because I am not sure how your BFF Niall Horan would feel about us. Anyway, feel free to send me your love this Valentine’s Day!
Han Solo
To My Sugar Daddy:
Unfortunately, Han, you’re a bit too old for me in the year 2019, but let’s just say if this were the 1970s, you and I would TOTALLY be together. Sure Leia is a princess, but can we really call her one after Alderaan was blown to smithereens? Besides, that girl has got some major daddy issues and you don’t need that kind of baggage in a relationship. Just think about it! You, me, and Chewie traveling the galaxy in the Millenium Falcon and having the time of our lives! I would make a great co-pilot! XOXO
Peeta Mellark
Dearest Peeta,
Don’t take it personally, but I am not sure how healthy our relationship would be. You are sweet, reliable, and oh so adorable. But on the other hand, you make bread and pastries for a living. I may be able to resist Shawn Mendes, but I always seem to give in to the temptation of carbs. Unless you are great at cooking something healthier, like I don’t know, maybe a roast ‐ I don’t think this relationship is going to work out. All my love!
Gaston
Dear Gaston,
To be honest, you are simply primeval. You don’t treat women correctly, and your idea of a grand gesture of love is to throw a girl’s dad in an insane asylum. Even with these ideas, I haven’t been able to resist you since I first saw Beauty and the Beast at age five. I mean no one’s slick like Gaston, no one’s quick as Gaston, and no one’s neck is incredibly thick as Gaston. All valuable traits needed in a partner, and you’re even more irresistible when played by Luke Evans! I don’t know what this says about me as a person, but you are for sure on my list of Valentines!
P.S. For what it’s worth, you are 1,000x more attractive than the Beast in human form.