What is normal? Do you know? Is it normal being married with two kids and a picket fence? Is it working a job you absolutely hate? Is it normal to have everything figured out by the age 25 because this is when the prefrontal cortex is fully developed? There is not a “right” answer to any of these questions. Normality is socially defined. “Normal” looks differently wherever you go.
“Normal People,” is a twisted psychological romantic series that was adapted from the novel by Sally Rooney. This series focuses on two main characters, Marianne and Connell. They start off in high school as teenagers who live polar opposite lives, but have a familiarity in the way they live inside their heads. Both of them progress in time jumps from young adults throughout the end of college. These two go through tormenting experiences surrounding intimacy, romantic relationships, self-perception, finances, loss, and opportunity. All of which are common experiences everyday people can relate to while trying to remain “normal” through it all.
The Sex talk
Sex is natural. Many people have sex and when they do, it is their own unique experience. People have sex for varied reasons. Marianne and Connell, for example, have sex with each other for the first time in high school and continue to have sexual relations throughout college. The first time they had sex it was intense, portrayals of nervousness, eagerness, and acceptance. Every time they were intimate after, it was intense and sensual. However, when Marianne later had sex with other people it was not the same. When she had sex with Jamie, who was a friend that became her boyfriend, it was more of a one-sided pleasure; when she had sex with Lukas, who was a photographer, it was very sadistic and masochistic.
The purpose of these differences was to highlight how sex is going to look different depending on who it is with. There is not a “normal” way to have sex with someone. Which one you desire the most is up to you. It is also possible to desire more than one type of intimacy. Another reason sex was portrayed in a multitude of ways was to show that if something is making you feel uncomfortable sexually, you do not have to interact with it. There was a scene where Marianne was uncomfortable with Lukas so she left. Comfort and safety are key.
What is “True Love”
One theme that was prominent throughout this entire series is the concept of “love.” What does “love” even truly mean? Love is anything other than normal. Love is going to look different for everyone due to the fact that no one is made the same.
Marianne and Connell were in a relationship, but both had different outlooks on what love was. Marianne believed that love was doing anything for Connell, whether she really enjoyed it or not. At one point she entertained a threesome with Connell and one of her friends because she thought he would be interested in it. Women are often taught to keep a man, they must do whatever it takes. This is a “norm” because it is something that is socially acceptable. In this case, her mental health and self-esteem could be impacted to improve Connell’s. Putting yourself first is important, especially in relationships, because even though the term “we” arises, there is still an “I” in a relationship. Individuality is important.
Connell believed that love meant protecting the other person’s feelings and being there when they really needed it. Marianne was verbally and physically abused by her brother. One night her brother broke her nose, and Connell came and confronted him. He told her brother he would injure him if he ever hurt Marianne again. Men are often thought to be the protectors of what they love by any means necessary. This can create toxic masculinity and eventually weigh heavy on the man, which can lead to a strain on the relationship.
These two perceptions also go back to how “love” is something that is socially defined. The woman is vulnerable, and the man is the protector. However, just because it is accepted by society, it does not mean it is necessarily “normal.” Love is whatever you want it to be, and how that looks must only make sense to the people in the relationship.
Self Perception
How people view themselves versus how others view them is often completely different. You are your own harshest critic. People tend to pick apart every fiber of themselves. From personality, to appearance, to money. The things you notice about yourself and dwell on, other people may never notice.
Marianne had low self-esteem due to not having any friends in high school. She felt she was unattractive and unworthy. She was not actually unattractive, but she believed this because of what her reality was in high school and her home. At one point Marianne asked Connell about another girl they went to school with. She wanted to know why he was with her and not the other girl because she was prettier than her. Connell did not agree, he told her she was pretty too. This goes to show that the environment someone is in can affect how they feel about themselves.
Connell had a completely different high school experience. He was well-liked and many people found him attractive. However, he dealt with not feeling like he was going to amount to anything. He did not know what he wanted to pursue or study in college. Even though he had friends, he was a star athlete, and lots of attention, he still felt empty. He did not want to let people down.
The perceptions they had of themselves seeped into their adulthood. Marianne went on to tolerate things that she did not deserve. Connell went on to be indifferent and indecisive, which made it hard for him to fit into his new world at college. These depictions stress the importance of not worrying about what other people think of you. Other people’s opinions about you eventually do not matter. What you think of yourself is more valuable than someone else’s opinion could ever be.
Does Money equate to HAPPINESS?
Is money the root to happiness? That depends on who you ask. Marianne and Connell were in different social classes. Marianne was wealthy and Connell was less fortunate. His mother worked as a cleaner for her family. Marianne had homes at various locations. However just because she had money did mean she was happy. Through most of the series, she was somber. Connell had to work through high school and college. He could not even stay at college during the summer due to him not having a job. He was happier than Marianne in their youth, and happier than her overall. Money could not fix the issues he was having mentally, nor could it fix hers.
This concept is immensely vital to experiencing happiness. Often people may feel that if they had all the money in the world that they would never stress again. That is just simply not true. Money is tangible, mental health is not. You cannot physically pick up an emotion, it is something you experience. This also shows that people in different financial situations experience the same situations, an emphasis on the mental health view.
How to cope
Unfortunately, things happen out of your control and being able to cope with them healthily is essential. Connell developed depression after losing a close friend of his. His relationship with his girlfriend, Helen, became impacted by this and eventually they broke up. He felt sad all the time and had little motivation.
He wanted to blame himself for not talking to his friend more regularly. He had so many “what ifs.” He wound up going to a therapist that his roommate recommended and he also talked to Marianne about how he felt. Sometimes it can feel like you are being submerged in sadness, which is fine. It is something that happens. However, staying inside of that can lead to more disruption than the original circumstance. Talking to someone whether it is a close friend, roommate, a therapist, or even an ex depending on the depth that is there, can help. Talking to someone you feel comfortable with is what matters and it does not have to make sense to someone else or be the “normal” option.
The Unknown
The unknown can be scary. You may want to know the outcome to everything you choose to do, but that is just not realistic. Possibilities are endless and to have those possibilities risk is involved. As stated, the unknown can be scary, but it can also be beautiful. Through the unknown you figure out who you are.
Marianne went through a series of relationships, and what would come out of them was unknown to her. She was loved and hurt; she was sad and happy. She discovered herself a little more after every relationship, physically and emotionally. If she did not take the risks of being in those relationships, she would have never discovered those parts of herself.
Connell was used to being in his small town and he never really thought about leaving it. At the end of the series, he got an offer to be in a program that was in another country. He did not even want to tell Marianne about it. This was because they had gotten back together and their relationship was comfortable. He was content. However, when he told her about the offer, she wanted him to go. She did not want him to regret not going. It was a risk for their relationship, his mental health because he suffered from panic attacks, and overall, his happiness. The risk of not going was the regret of not experiencing it.
The risks can be worth the reward. Trying something new can open doors that you never knew existed. Even though it may be outside of your comfort zone. There will be opportunities that arise that may cause you to relocate somewhere unfamiliar and cause you to leave things behind. At the end of the day, the things you are “leaving” behind will still be there, but the opportunity will not. Enjoy the journey of exploring and experiencing.
“Normal People” is a series that young adults could learn a lot of life lessons from. During young adulthood there are so many emotions floating around. Anxiety, melancholy, thrill, bliss. The outside noise of parents, friends, or even lovers can amplify these feelings and make you feel flustered. These lessons can be utilized at any point and can be refined to your liking. Given that you are going to develop as you grow older and step into who you are going to become. Remember that “normal” is not perfect. Normality is an idea, not a practice. Normal is whatever you want it to be.