A couple of weeks before my twentieth birthday, I was lying in bed, listening to one of my many playlists. The outro of “20 Something” by SZA started to play, and for some reason, I started to cry. As I wiped away my tears, I realized that it was not because I was sad.
It was because life started to feel insanely real.
This song has been a part of my musical collection since the beginning of time (aka high school), and yet, it never occurred to me that I would be following along with her lyrics in body, mind, and soul. Truth be told, I always took the ‘Twenty Theory’ for bull. I thought that being in your twenties guaranteed: freedom from all restrictions, immediate gratification, and a natural tendency to just do things right.
I quickly came to the realization that my perception of this momentous age was wrong and severely anticlimactic.
Come the wee hours of my twentieth birthday, I still felt like the girl I was when I was nineteen. I was not absolved of my past choices, I was not where I wanted to be in any aspect of my life, and I was not happy. I eventually had to sit down with myself and address what it was that had me feeling this way, and what I thought my age was supposed to save me from.
After a few months of some life-altering experiences, some journaling, and some therapy (I suggest all my girls book that appointment right now), I learned that this new decade of mine is not supposed to be sealed in perfection. It should be a time of uncertainty, a time of growth, and a time of f*cking up. And no, I do not mean messing up on purpose or putting yourself in positions that compromise your development as a young woman. But allow yourself to feel, to change your mind, and not to have to know everything.
I will let you know right now—I have yet to experience the “rebirth stage” of my twenties (hell, I am still in the early stages of it). I still struggle, I still relapse, and I still spread myself thin. But I have come to grasp the fact that life is a myriad of lessons and processes. It is surely not linear, and there will always be something new to rave or stress about.
As a recent addition to the “twenties club”, here are five things I have learned so far in this new chapter of my life.
1. Love Yours
Like J. Cole famously said, “Love Yourz.”
Something I was forced to understand very early on in this game was the importance of establishing who you are and what makes you, you. This means knowing what you like, or don’t like, what you enjoy, or don’t enjoy, and what encourages you to get up every day and willingly deal with what comes with life.
Granted, this in itself is a process. You are not born with this quality set in stone; it comes from experiences and encounters that shape you as an individual.
It is crucial to prioritize internal development before extending yourself, both emotionally and physically, to things outside of you. It will lead to you losing yourself in whatever it is that you pursue (job, relationship, school), because it will consume the very void left exposed by your lack of self.
As important as it is to know yourself, genuinely loving yourself is equally essential.
Disclaimer: this is not in reference to the superficial markers of “self-love” like splurging, doom-scrolling, or going back to that man on the nights when your flesh gets lonely.
This is in reference to training your mind to accept you in whatever stage you are in. To understand that there will always be bigger and better and more ( who really determines that?), but as long as you are making strides towards your individual goals and aspirations, and you can maintain that load, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
It is very easy to submit to the standards society and social media spews at you, but it is imperative not to lose yourself or forget your end goal in other people’s journeys.
2. Slow Down, Life Is Not A Race
Girl, take a breather!
I am sure we all heard of the term burnout, and that is exactly what you’re in for if you continue to treat life like a 400-meter sprint.
It is not remotely possible for one person to know everything, have everything, or go everywhere—let alone someone in their twenties. I quickly had to realize that the “hustle mindset” was why my anxiety remained at 1000, day in and day out, and why it still felt as if I was in the same place as I was before.
You have to allow yourself to enjoy the process, or you will either: resent your win in the long run, or exhaust yourself to where it’ll end up passing you by.
Reminder: this is not me advising you to stop working towards your objective.
Every day should include making strides towards your financial aspirations, career plans, or academic efforts. But it should also include downtime, where you are unapologetically able to enjoy things that do not bear the weight of your success.
Furthermore, ladies, your life should not be a platform for comparison. Your hours should not consist of worrying about what someone else is doing, how they are doing it, and why. Even if they have already reached the bar that you are seeking, how they achieved it will not be your story.
You are only yourself (and you need to be okay with that)! You possess your own characteristics, your own experiences, and your own initiatives. Trust yourself enough to make the decisions necessary to land you where you want to be.
And when you start to forget, remember to stop. Take a moment. Reconvene with your inner purpose, and continue to pursue.
3. God Is Your Anchor
Without God, you are nothing. Or at least, that is what you will feel like.
Disclaimer: This lesson is for my ladies who have a relationship with God or identify with being Christian/Faith-oriented. If that is not you (and there is nothing wrong with that!), please proceed to the next lesson.
I believe I was introduced to my Father very late. Granted, I am only twenty years old, but the shift I have experienced now that He is at the forefront of my life has been drastic.
As I stated before, it is easy to be consumed by the standards or desires of society, social media, and even your peers. But accepting God’s rightful place in your life frees you from that worldly burden. He literally takes all off your shoulders and places them on His own, no matter how heavy or ugly!
Your path is not like the others, and He meticulously carved it out for you so that it fits your unique being. You should not be walking around with your head hung low when you have a Father who sits high, with his hands on your life.
Everyone’s relationship with our Father is different. Some find Him in a church, with others, at home, or alone. But I advise you to seek Him in solitude, dive into His word (the stories have lessons attached to them!), and fellowship with like-minded people.
I assure you—navigating your twenties with Him as the guide will not be nearly as hard as when it was solely in your hands.
4. Let Your People Find You
Now, this lesson is for all my girls with social anxiety: Learn to embrace being in solitude, but do not keep yourself in isolation.
College was a culture shock for me. I was not used to being in a space where proximity was not the leading cause in the creation of my friendships. In high school, or in summer camps, I had no choice but to make and keep friends because we were forced to see each other every day.
In college, this is not the case. Everyone is doing something with their time. In order to make friends, you have to seek them out (with discernment). But you also have to make space for them. Let the people meant for you find you.
This means go outside (yes, leave your doom), attend campus events that interest you, join organizations that align with your ambitions, and put yourself out there! As a fellow “I can’t find/keep friends” complainer, I realized that my apprehension to socialize was hindering my ability to find my people, or let them find me.
5. To Fail Is To Learn
I know, I have already shared so much with you. But I promise, this lesson is the greatest of them all.
As young women, we often have this tendency to hold ourselves to unrealistic standards, demanding perfection and unwavering consistency from every aspect of our lives. Instead of overcommitting yourselves or imposing rigid expectations on your life, I ask that you offer yourself grace.
This is your first time on this Earth, and your first time figuring out whatever it is that you are experiencing. Allow yourself to process as needed, to make mistakes, and to do things imperfectly.
Failure is not the end; it is just the transition from where you are to a new starting point. You are able to start over and try again, as many times as necessary. It does not decrease your value as a young woman or as a person.
Whenever something does not go your way, or the expectation veers off from the initial goal, you are given an opportunity to learn from your experience. And that will be more effective for you in the long run than wallowing in “what could have been.”
So, Remember
Turning twenty has not been easy. It has already shown up on my doorstep with its fair share of pain, ultimatums, and changes. But in this new journey of mine, I am simply prioritizing internal growth—not a promotion, not money, not a new relationship, and not perfection.
When the time comes, or if it is already before you, I challenge you all to do the same. You may just find that it opens the door for more than you thought possible.