Some experience it, others don’t. But those that do never talk about it… Why is making friends in University so difficult?
Look, when I first got the acceptance email from Nottingham, I was pissing myself with joy at the thought of actually being accepted to Uni in the first place (my A Levels were a little rough). I was giddy with excitement but also sobbing my eyes out at having to move away from my family, my friends, and the culture and community in my country, Singapore. I daydreamed of all the scenarios and all the events and all the socials where I would be able to meet people from all walks of life: from different countries, sexualities, thought processes, to like-minded people, maybe from the same country, same ethnicity, religion. I was obviously a little apprehensive at the thought of “would people like me” or if I would be able to fit in, but I never gave it much thought because I convinced myself that college is big, and there’s an infinite number of personalities I can meet. It’ll be a piece of cake.
Boy, was I wrong. It wasn’t as seamless as I thought.
I’ve always been a social butterfly. Since I matured a little and actually developed my own personality instead of copying the most popular YouTuber at the time, I haven’t found it too difficult to strike up conversations and make acquaintances with the people around me. So naturally, I assumed it would be the same when I was at Uni. I didn’t take into account that a completely different culture and environment would change the way I perceive myself and how I interact with people.
I found myself getting swallowed up by the amazing, lively, bodacious personalities that I encountered, from party animals, to people whose CVs were longer than all the strands of my hair put together, to kind, quiet compassionate people that knew exactly what they wanted to do and how they would heal the world (or so I perceived from interacting with these people). I’m not sure why, but I suddenly felt like I had too little potential and personality to give to any social interaction; that I was a fraction of a person these people were and that I needed to be more to be interesting to talk to. This was a struggle I dealt with, and you may have your own, but I’m just letting you know so you can be reassured that everyone has some sort of insecurity when making friends, and you can maybe relate a little bit to mine.
I thought I was going crazy because by the second week, people already had solid friend groups and were planning trips and were sitting together in lectures and were going to live together, but I’d made basically no friends. This wasn’t because I hadn’t tried, though. In the first week, I spoke to maybe every person I sat next to. It was just a coincidence that when I asked if they wanted to get a coffee, they had other plans after. Sometimes I’d get their Insta, but neither of us would end up texting each other. Maybe cause it was weird, awkward, we didn’t connect much; I’m not sure.
People were posting all the socials and nights out they were having, and I couldn’t help but wonder where they were finding these people from. I was staying in uni accom so I thought I would meet people here, but for some reason everyone already knew each other on move-in day (HOW??) and those that hadn’t had already formed massive groups of people that would’ve been difficult to merge into. Even if I tried, I wouldn’t know how to approach them or where to start.
Point is, for the first time in my life, I found people scary.
It just seemed like everyone had their lives together and had made good friends and joined societies where they belonged, and I was struggling at all the taster sessions, trying to figure out if all these different societies were for me. In retrospect, however, when I look at my Instagram archives, nobody could have figured out this was happening. The few acquaintances I did have invited me to some events, and the ones I did go to I ended up posting. So in reality, when I was posing with people who just happened to be around for the photo, someone else who was following me might have thought, “Wow, she’s made so many friends and knows so many people and is going on so many night outs. Hope to be like that soon.” Or maybe, no one has ever thought that, and I’m actually just delusional.
What I’m trying to say is: appearances are deceiving. We will never know what’s happening in anyone’s life or how they got to the places they are. Most of the time, it’s just luck. I ended up meeting one of my closest friends because we were both stuck outside the Djanogly Recital Hall for the Musicality Showcase as we got locked out for some reason. So we were sitting outside, vibing to our theatre kid songs and unable to see them. I told her I was going for a night out after with some random people I’d never met, and she decided to come along, and we’ve been friends ever since.
On a random chance encounter, you may meet a passing acquaintance, your lifelong best friend, or even the future love of your life. Some may call it chance, luck or even destiny. Whatever you call it, it exists, and it decides when it’s time for you to meet the people you need to meet. So, it’s not a skill issue; it really is being in the right place at the right time and having an opportunity presented to you. You may be like me, who, instead of waiting for these opportunities to come to me, I seek them out, but even when I do, nothing comes of it. It doesn’t mean you should stop trying and just let the ‘forces of the universe’ help you; you still need to put yourself out there so these chance instances can find you. Remember: the Universe, God, Luck, or whatever you believe in, can only help you if you help yourself.
I know this is easier said than done, though.
Uni is a big place, and people of all ages, backgrounds, ethnicities, social statuses and tax brackets walk around. Even if you are from the UK, the culture in the South can be vastly different from the North (or so I’ve been told), so of course it’s going to be difficult to make friends in the face of all this diversity that you may not be used to. The places you come from form a kind of cultural homogeneity where the people you live around have the same views as you, and you only realise how different this is when you move out. Also in school, we tend to make friends of convenience. E.g. sitting in assigned seats makes you get to know a person through sheer proximity, compulsory school trips, compulsory projects, and living next to classmates so you commute together. All of this creates friends of convenience.
In Uni, however, we need different tactics. Join a social society, or just attend the tasters or pay the non-member’s fee. It can be something chill, like board games soc, film soc, cake soc, knitting soc. Joining sports societies may be a little intimidating because it can be very competitive, but going for the tasters won’t harm. Pick up projects or assignments if you have free time. Project work can either make you lifelong friends through a trauma bond or make you hate every human, so if you’re up for it, go for it. Compliment people on specific things that interest you. If you’re a fan of thrifting and someone is wearing something that looks like it could be thrifted, then go ahead and approach them about it, start a conversation on thrifting, and ask if you can go with them.
Introduce friends to other friends. This makes your friend groups open-ended. I actually picked this up from men (sorry to bring them up), but once they get introduced to another guy, the friends of friends of friends of that guy’s friends also become their friends for some reason, and I think it’s really cool, because it expands your social circle to basically infinity. Introducing your friends to other friends makes them comfortable introducing theirs to yours, and by extension, any other friends, and this makes your circle so much wider (easier said than done, though).
That’s about all the tips I can think of. If after this, nothing comes your way, then it’s fine. Be a solo baddie and just go about your life. Maybe take this as the time to concentrate on yourself, build up your skills and do some deep reflection and meditation. I strongly believe that whatever is meant to come your way will come to you eventually.
To finish off, my favourite quote: We accept the love we think we deserve. You are amazing and loved, and the right people will see that in you and gravitate towards you