Online dating, we’ve come to know, is often the first glimpse or impression we allow
ourselves to get into a person we may or may not be romantically interested in. And
of course, that means hinge prompts and dating app bios are littered with the same
cliché prompts and innocuous copy-and-paste pictures of potential suitors.
And whilst these trends of attractions could be predicted most of the time, more often
for the male profiles (having good music taste, or they like to take walks, or build
Lego) another has arisen which provides its own set of implications – being
interested in, mostly girls, who are only ‘slightly autistic’.
By these new laws of attraction, most users are referencing to wanting a partner with
a broad range of passions, hobbies, or niche ‘special interests’. However, by stating
this ‘slightly’ autistic requirement, are these users then drawing the line at someone
with less social characteristics like stimming behaviours or misunderstanding social
cues.
It would be wrong to assume everyone on dating apps presenting these comments
or prompts are neurotypical. It is important to note that many people on these apps
may be autistic themselves are are looking for a neurodivergent partner. Studies
show that many autistic people communicate better with each other than with allistic
(non-autistic) individuals, they found that those with autism found interacting with
other neurodivergent people was more comfortable and felt more understood than
with neurotypical people.
However, with the level of presence autism currently has on these online forums, this
must include neurotypical people searching for a neurodivergent partner. You can’t
deny that on surface level, it’s good inclusive dating extends to those with
neurodivergence, who have often felt uninvited or disconnected from dating spheres
previously. But romanticising, even fetishising neurodivergence, has deeper
repercussions than the user may originally think.
Autistic sex educator Milly Evan’s told Dazed that allistic individuals who go out their
way to suggest they want a partner with a hint of autism ‘either don’t know what
autism is or want to attract someone they perceive as more vulnerable.’.
So, are these users attracted to what they believe is just a personality type, or are
they looking for what they perceive as a vulnerable partner to take care of? By
fetishising autism little care is actually paid to the challenges neurodivergent people
face when it is only framed as cute hyper-fixations and quirkiness but nothing more.
This oversimplification of an extremely broad spectrum, affecting 700,000 individuals
in the UK alone, and casually putting forth an idealistic version perpetuates the
narrative that neurodivergence is just a casual quirk rather than something that
affects many people’s day-to-day lives continually. By desiring an autistic person’s
unique perspective, they fail to acknowledge the difficulties with social engagements
and reciprocation, conversation or other qualities neurotypical people take for
granted and often rely on in partners.
When users express their attraction of ‘just a bit of autism’ or a ‘sprinkle’ if you will,
they want someone ‘autism-coded’ or having some qualities over others, but not
someone who experiences the full spectrum of those conditions. And you can
understand the negativity this places on those individuals both in and out of the
dating world. This effectively allows strangers to cherry pick what level of autism in
someone else is correct for their benefit. But isn’t this selective process just a little
too discriminatory?
This just perpetuates the narrative that neurodivergence is a personality trait many
can opt in and out of. Rather than a social disposition that can affect the everyday
life of everyone on the spectrum.
And what happens when this ‘quirky’ attraction disappears? After matching and
dating, what happens when the realty of neurodivergence is not reflective of the
romanticised desires the user hoped for. This is not to assume those with this prompt
do not know the realities or that the reality of neurodivergence is bad in the first
place. But it does not seem fair that the subjugation of what another potentially
struggles with is being prioritised inconsiderately to fit one’s own dating agenda.