Loving means tolerating absence and peeking into the abyss of loneliness. Pablo Neruda was able to understand this at 19 when he wrote Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair and confessed that happiness can come with silence and that it’s not always about having a significant other by your side. When writing about love, Neruda never forgot to mention solitude as he believed that these two opposing forces came hand in hand and didn’t mean anything without each other. At 20 years old, I still seem to struggle to understand this. Maybe it’s the Carrie Bradshaw wanna-be in me that has been brainwashed to believe that I need to find my Big and fight to be together or the simple fact that I’m not Pablo Neruda and his vision of profound and transcending love seems almost too magical in today’s society.
Valentine’s Day is approaching, and I think it’s the perfect time to use some advice from Pablo Neruda through his honest and open-hearted poems from his masterpiece Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair.
- Advice 1
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“And I watch my words from a long way off.
They are more yours than mine.” (Poem 5)
Sense of self, loss of identity. Neruda’s missing words come to represent his lost ideas and thoughts in the face of love. Let’s not lose ourselves. We have all experienced or been around people that change their tastes according to the different relationships they were in; whether this is a change in music, food or even perspectives. Meeting new people also means being exposed to new things and opening up to new experiences that we might have not even considered before, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, Pablo Neruda is emphasizing the importance of keeping your voice or your inner color, as I like to call it. Being in a relationship shouldn’t be about forgetting who you are as one individual but rather about learning and growing. Keep your color; maybe change it, but do it for yourself.
- Advice 2
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“You are here. Oh you do not run away.
You will answer me to the last cry.
Cling to me as though you were frightened.
Even so, at one time a strange shadow ran through your eyes.” (Poem 14)
The shadow of change. What if someone’s inner color changes too much to the point where we don’t recognize them anymore? People change, and we tend to view change as a separating factor rather than a possible transition or shift. We get so used to a person that when they change and slowly start to fade away from our lives, we tend to think of this as something negative and resent them for it. Relationships end over change because we expect people to always be by our side. We save an image of them and what they are like and we don’t want them to be transformed into something alien to us. We could shield ourselves from old expectations, and have them say “look, don’t expect the person you knew before because it is not that person anymore,” but unfortunately, it is not that easy. We create attachments, especially if this is a person we love; so to watch someone grow apart can hurt and almost feel like that the old them is dying. Let’s accept change. Whether changes pull people together or apart it’s an essential part of life that we need to learn to accept. Sometimes we can’t transition and move along with how other people change, and that’s just fine. - Advice 3
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“Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?” (Poem 10)
The eternal questions. Even Pablo Neruda has unanswered questions that haunt him. I think there comes a point in every breakup (or any sort of separation) where we start questioning everything in an attempt to get closure and let our minds breathe. Let’s stop overthinking. I think closure is extremely important for a person to move on and this includes having a clear idea of why something is coming to an end. Nevertheless, overthinking a situation and coming up with questions that won’t change the situation or will only make it worse only creates more harm.
- Advice 4
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“Your memory is made of light, of smoke, of a still pond” (Poem 6)
The memories of a lost beloved. It hurts Neruda, and it might for a long time, but he chooses to keep the memories. Let’s keep the memories. We are always told that time will help us get over someone, but what if it’s not about getting over a person? What if, instead, it’s about remembering the relationship with love and appreciation and being able to move on. Maybe we just have to get over the negativity and harm, but not of the person itself. Neruda remembers his relationship with passion, gratitude and love; but recognizes that it’s over and doesn’t make any efforts to hide his pain. He understands that it will hurt but doesn’t let that cloud his memories and thoughts with the traces of an aching heart. I’ve talked about accepting change and separation but like we all know, it’s easier said than done so I think it is important to know that it does hurt and that it’s all a part of the process. Nevertheless, keeping harmful thoughts to remind us why we need to get over someone might not be adding anything positive to our lives, so let’s focus on getting over negative thoughts rather than getting over a person itself.
- Advice 5
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“I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.” (Poem 20)
Moving on. Writing about love seems almost unrealistic because I don’t think there could ever be enough information that we can know or learn that can make us feel happy after a break up, an unrequited love or any sort of disappointing or hurtful experience with someone we care about. Forgetting is long, but I think that reading about it can help us accept our feelings and deal with them in a healthy way. Life is short, just as love may be, so let’s enjoy it and share it with those who love and care for us.