I started the year with a unique resolution. While I consider it a wellness goal, it is not centered around healthy eating or exercise. Instead, I decided to focus on my attachment style. I wanted to reflect on all of the relationships in my life — whether familial, platonic or romantic — and truly consider my role within them. What could I change to become a better friend, partner, daughter or sister?
Attachment styles describe how people communicate and feel in close personal relationships. There are four widely recognized types: secure, avoidant, anxious and disorganized. The latter three are considered insecure styles of attachment as opposed to the gold standard of secure attachment. According to attachment theory, a person’s attachment style is primarily determined in early childhood through interactions with their caregivers.
In nearly every psychology course I have taken, attachment styles have been mentioned at least once. Attachment is arguably one of the most frequently studied topics in psychology, yet I have never felt satisfied with my understanding of my own attachment style. My first issue laid in attachment style formation. As previously mentioned, most psychological research emphasizes the role of relationships with primary caregivers — but what about the impact of relationships later in life?
According to Cleveland Clinic, attachment styles are subject to change beyond the token caregiver relationship. Friendships, romantic relationships and other meaningful connections of personal importance all have the capacity to affect attachment patterns. While considering early childhood attachment can offer valuable insight, I found that reflecting on relationships across different stages of my life allowed me to better understand my attachment style.
My second issue with the topic of attachment styles was an underlying fear of their permanence. A small part of me always resisted critically examining my role in relationships so that I wouldn’t recognize insecure attachment. I considered my attachment style to be an irreversible curse. However, attachment styles are much more nuanced than a fixed label.
Contrary to popular belief, attachment styles can absolutely change through inner work. As with most aspects of identity, self-awareness is the key component in initiating this change. Identifying thought patterns, journaling and therapy are a few tools I have used to comfortably understand my relationship behavior. Like most personality traits, attachment styles may be relatively stable throughout our lifetimes, but they are by no means permanent.
Once I adopted this mindset, I became a lot more candid about insecure patterns of attachment in my life. In the past, I have subconsciously recognized my avoidant tendencies, but I have never actively challenged myself to change these behaviors. I wrote off my avoidance as a strong sense of independence. I wasn’t proud to admit that I was the occasional ghoster, but I accepted it as a pattern that was natural to me. Was it so wrong to stay in my emotionally distant comfort zone?
I soon realized that just because a behavior pattern feels comfortable does not mean it supports me in becoming the best version of myself. Avoidance is instinctual to me, but I can reflect on past and current relationships in my life where my avoidance has inadvertently hurt the people I care about. I have decided that my main goal for 2025 is to challenge my avoidant attachment.
Self-awareness alone can be daunting, but actively changing known patterns of behavior has proven even scarier. It feels strange to act in a manner opposite to my initial instinct. Every part of me could be screaming to ignore a text or run from conflict, but I have been pushing myself over the past few months to maintain healthy communication. Sometimes it is exhausting, but it is rewarding to exit my emotional comfort zone.
Similar to most people, romantic relationships have historically been the area of my life most affected by insecure attachment. Although I know a healthy relationship involves emotional vulnerability, I struggle to let my guard down in romantic situations. Of course, setting healthy boundaries is necessary when getting to know someone, but living like a stone-cold statue is a dead end in love. This dimension of challenging my attachment style has been the most difficult, but I have already seen great improvement in my ability to open up.
As with any change, transformation in attachment style will not happen overnight. However, I believe that it is a worthwhile endeavor for anyone who wants to form deeper relationships with their loved ones, or even people who you may not know yet. I am certainly only beginning my journey, but I remain motivated to keep going. Despite the discomfort this change may bring, I know this process offers not only the reward of new connections but also the opportunity to get to know myself a little better.