During high school, I had high levels of anxiety and depression, which were only magnified by being alone in one of the busiest cities in the world. I would feel everything so deeply; extreme anxiety, extreme sadness, extreme insecurity, and more, to the point of suffering physical symptoms. All of this was because I had no sense of control over my person. Moving to the big city is what made all of these mental deteriorating factors reach a concerning limit. This is when I turned to meditation.
But first, I started turning to outlets that would momentarily alleviate these feelings, because they were just too much for me to handle on my own. Back home, I would distract myself with friends, family, maybe extracurricular activities. I had plenty of factors that would keep me grounded. Now, I was in a completely new city, I was starting a new social circle and of course, had no family to turn to. The easiest, fastest solution was substance use, including prescribed pharmaceuticals. Also, I would spend time with people who I knew were not good for my particular life path. The list could go on, but the point I’m trying to make is that I was looking for external, mostly unhealthy solutions.
Then I was introduced into the practice of meditation through a sponsored ad on my phone. I had meditated in the past but never truly got a solid result from it. I researched the best ways to do it, people’s experiences with it, and the various forms of meditation. I began with a simple app called Mindfulness which had specific meditations for different scenarios within one’s day. At first, meditating was a hassle but I knew I had to give it a chance and be consistent with it; I had read so many positive things about it! During the first few months, I would make myself do it, even if throughout the whole time I had the most outrageous, toxic thoughts in my mind. The only way to understand it was to keep doing it no matter how much I wanted to get up and leave my lonely, anxiety filled space.
Slowly, it started to become a habit, like brushing my teeth. Actually, now that I think of it, brushing my teeth began that way as well. I used to hate brushing my teeth as a child, even though it was normal for all the other kids. As I was (thankfully) forced to brush my teeth, it quickly became part of my daily routine. To this day I still hate brushing my teeth, but I do it, why? Because it has healthy, positive results. The same goes for meditation. Meditation became my escape, replacing the outlets I mentioned before. It took almost a year, but it happened. As I practiced more and more, I figured out what techniques worked best for my inner peace.
Once I achieved the successful meditation practice, my life changed forever. I found within myself the capacity to stay grounded, to simply relax and stay in the present moment. I know, it sounds so cliché and unreal right? Well I invite you to try this out and be amazed. For the first time, I was in control. Not in control of external circumstances, but in control of how my inner being reacted. For the first time, I was the one who decided the impact that things had on me.
Today, I have my own form of meditation that does wonders. I wake up and dedicate some time to my preferred type of meditation which I devised according to my needs and feelings in the morning. For example, I get really anxious as soon as I see my phone, so I began to insert soothing meditations between the time I wake up and the time I take my phone off airplane mode. Yes, I have to wake up earlier, but being in touch with yourself as soon as you open your eyes sets the mood for the day. Then at night, I will do the same since it is peak hour for my anxiety. In between classes, when I feel lost among my assignments that are due all at once, when I need to remind myself that I am in control; meditation is always available. And it is available for you too.
If you relate to the issues I faced, I encourage you to take some time each day and incorporate this practice into your life. Some apps that helped me in the beginning were Mindfulness and Breethe. There are plenty of meditation podcasts on Spotify, SoundCloud, and YouTube. After a few months, you will get the hang of it and begin to create your own playlist. I wish someone would’ve told me this a long time ago and that is why I’m sharing it now. You can regain control, you just have to find the right tools to help.