It is okay to not be okay.
I’ve been at college for seven weeks now, and I have never felt so different. The novelty of everything has just about worn off, and I have found myself more lost and lonely than I ever thought possible, even when surrounded by so many people all of the time. With the environment becoming natural, it’s hard to understand why I feel this way, and often times I find myself minimizing my feelings because I think that I should feel happy and energized by the constant buzz of knowledge and creativity. The truth is that although I find myself in a good place within the college by joining clubs and doing well in classes, my brain is sinking slowly deeper down into a hole that I do not know how to get myself out of. I am homesick, and more so with each passing day. But the problem isn’t just that I want to go home, it is that I want to go back to my mundane yet comforting and fulfilling life with my friends and family. This is simply a physical impossibility. I can not go back, and yet once it becomes quiet in my room and the moon is shining in the sky, I find myself yearning for what I once had. This is not meant to make anyone depressed, but it is just how I feel.
It’s hard to explain to someone that you aren’t okay. It’s like telling your doctor you have the symptoms of the flu, but getting prescribed medication for a bacterial infection; it doesn’t help you feel better. I’ve tried so many things that people have told me, from leaving my dorm and getting involved to writing my feelings down; I even tried to distract myself with meaningless shows and drowned out music. It doesn’t shut off the voices in my head telling me that I won’t make it in college, or anywhere. What I would advise is to just tell someone that you aren’t okay, and when they ask why, tell them what you can.
Everyone expects that the transition to college will be an easy one, and that within a few short weeks you will have your time management perfected, have a solid group of friends that always have your back, and be involved and giving back to your campus, all with a smile on your face. I’m here to tell you that it is perfectly okay to be still figuring it out. I tell myself that I am going to get through the day, and I focus on that simple goal. It doesn’t have to all go perfectly during the day, what matters is that you made it through. You interacted with people, went to class, and even if you don’t think that it is enough, it is incredible. It is an accomplishment. What I really want people to know is that college is hard. It is insanely emotionally difficult to leave everything you have ever known and relocate to a strange place where you are only one in a sea of over 6,000 students. And I’m not going to lie, leaving my family behind and trying to make all new connections with people is one of the worst things I have ever had to experience. But it is also one of the most rewarding, and although most nights I still break down, I can safely say that I would not have grown so much in such a short period of time had I not left my security blanket. It is not a bad thing to feel homesick, and it absolutely does not mean that you do not belong here. It just means that you belong to two places at once, and that is a blessing. Never be afraid to tell someone if you are not doing okay. They can help you put some of your broken pieces back together. It is okay to not be okay.
Sending love to every single person who doesn’t feel like they belong yet, or just needs a little extra support this week. There are so many people that are here for you. Just reach out.