For the majority of my life I’ve felt alone. Within crowded parties, under stadium lights, surrounded by hundreds of people, on the bus, in line at the grocery store, it didn’t matter. I’ve always felt alone in the world despite being surrounded by friends and family who love me. It’s stayed with me through happiness and excitement, through college acceptances and birthdays. Through relationships and making new friends. It’s like it follows close behind me no matter how good my life is going in the present moment, waiting for me to notice it again and remember how I truly feel.
When I started college, I assumed the loneliness would go away. I assumed that being surrounded by people my age in close living quarters would heal the deep wounds inside of me that have burned for so long. But I realized quickly that it moved with me. I’d walk to classes feeling empty and meaningless in this huge campus surrounded by people who didn’t seem to struggle the way I did. I remember attending my first party, the build up I had given it in my head was astronomical. I anxiously waited for the day and was so ready to have the night of my life and leave every depressing, painful thought back in my hometown along with every other problem I naively believed would disappear upon moving into college. But the moment I stepped into the crowded tent, absolutely overwhelmed by the smell of cigarettes and michelob ultra, I knew I didn’t belong. My body was there, but my mind wasn’t. I’d stand and gaze around at all the drunk and happy college students enjoying their night without a care in the world. But deep down all I could feel was sadness.
I had nothing to be sad about. I had no reason to be lonely or depressed. Besides a lack of a significant other, I was overall circled by love and friendship. Yet nothing could ease the sense of unbelonging and pain that seeped into me daily, making me question my self worth and stability. There was a hole inside of me that I longed to be filled. So that’s exactly what I did. I filled that hole with anything and everything I could find. I tried it all. Constantly looking for something or someone to combat the loneliness. I searched for love in every single person despite how irrational and obviously incompatible it may have been. Slowly the hole got bigger and bigger with each passing day that another person or thing left me feeling emptier. I remember so many nights I spent wondering why I was so alone and why no one seemed to care enough to even notice. But that’s because I hid it so well. I hid every sleepless night with jokes and smart-ass remarks to alleviate any of the pain from seeping through me to the outside. But after a while, it still bleeds through.
I self-medicated my loneliness for so long I can’t even recall when it began. But I do remember the day it started to lift. The day I stopped looking for a temporary fix to fill the hole, was the day the hole started to shrink. Little by little I’ve stopped living for the world and it’s cheap thrills. The loneliness hasn’t went away. I’d be lying to you if I said it did. But the truth about feeling alone and out of place in college is to look in the mirror and tell yourself that if no one else in the world shows up for you, do it for yourself. At the end of the day, if the only person you’re going home to is yourself, then you are doing alright. Because once you find comfort in being alone, loneliness isn’t so bad. In fact, if you have high standards for yourself, your future self won’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. As Xan Oku says so beautifully, “May the flowers remind us why the rain was so necessary”.