Ah, feelings. Complicated. Confusing. Exhausting. Right out of a relationship, I began an incredibly complicated “friends with benefits”- esque relationship with a close friend in college. I relied on him almost entirely emotionally and socially. I mistakenly took the comfort of being in someone else’s arms and the thrill of sneaking around our friends as liking him. Don’t get me wrong, I still care for him as a friend, but at the same time, I realize I created false feelings because of how we acted and what we were doing. Looking back, we went through a tumultuous roller coaster of feelings in an incredibly short period of time. Now as I reflect, I see the clues were right in front of me all along. So, here are 5 songs I had on repeat during our time together that now makes me understand my feelings were not as true as I thought they were.
- Somebody Else – The1975
- Need I explain more? Listening to this song on repeat for weeks should have been the first clue that I should not have gotten into bed with someone new. Whilst I loved how I was with him, part of my mind was still busy mourning the end of a relationship. I jumped from one person to another so quickly that they almost began blurring together, and at some point, I realized I was mistaking comfort for feelings. My grief of my previous relationship was shadowed by what I thought was a new beginning blossoming; it prevented me from really figuring out a lot of underlying issues I had.
- Anaheim – Niki
- This absolute heart-wrenching experience of a song by Niki and how she wished she could love someone as much as they love her was my number one played for weeks. I was desperately trying to feel what he – then felt when we were together but I simply couldn’t. There were far too many things to process all at once for me and I wasn’t in a position to enter a relationship. Was this incredibly unfair to him? Yes. Looking back, I really shouldn’t have entered the “agreement” we had; we set ourselves up for failure, pain, and heartbreak in 777 different ways.
- Complex – Katie Gregson-MacLeod
- Frankly, I had felt that my relationship with my ex was long over before I officially called it off. However, whenever I looked back on the relationship, I couldn’t help but feel like we could’ve done a lot differently. My ex and I ended on great terms, but parts of this song hit a little too close to home. When Gregson-Macleod sang “I need him like water, He thinks that I’m alright” and I related to it, I should have known I needed to be alone for a while. I was basking in the abundance of affection and attention someone else gave me after being in a relationship that deprived me of it. Actively knowing that was a sign I needed more time to myself. Perhaps if I was relating to any part of this song, I shouldn’t have hopped into anything with anyone.
- The Good Side – Troye Sivan
- Oh lá lá. When I called it quits with my ex, I went off to college and he remained in our hometown. For a long time, I felt guilty because it felt like I had trapped him. I left him without a support system since all our friends left for college and he was forced to drown in the town that not only held all our memories but our childhood memories, alone. Whilst everyone we knew including me moved on, he remained stagnant, forced to see empty playgrounds that held laughter from a different age. I’m sure things are different than they appeared. The narrative that my ex was a hostage of our hometown was a creation out of guilt but that’s how I felt for weeks and that guilt haunted me constantly. I can’t quite fathom how I believed I was falling for someone else whilst I was still trying to find clarity from my past relationship. It’s possible I craved the idea of feeling something, anything other than pain and self-pity at the time.
- XO – Nightly
- This was on repeat for about a week prior to my breakup with my ex. Afterward, when I was in my very complicated FWB, it was still on repeat. To be totally honest, I’m still not sure who I’m thinking about when I listen to this song today. Somedays it’s about my ex, on others it’s about the FWB boy. The lyrics “I love you but I gotta let go XO ” applied to me needing to let go of both of them, and truthfully, for similar reasons. I needed to be alone to process and focus on all my personal issues but I used him as a distraction and found false comfort in the way he made me feel wanted. Subconsciously or not, I was thinking about my ex whilst I was “developing” feelings for someone else. I was still listening to a song about letting my ex go! I never truly reached a conclusion and gained closure on my own after my breakup since I had arms to fall right into. Now, I listen to this song about letting them both go…
In a different world, dimension, timeline, or universe, I would’ve done everything differently. This FWB is one of my biggest regrets because I didn’t just lose someone I was romantically involved with, I lost a friend. The heartache of losing someone who was my person has been tremendously hard. This entire entanglement has led me to the crushing realization that not everyone is meant to stay by your side forever. No matter how desperately I wish to remain close to everyone around me, life will continue to move on and if I keep grasping at old memories I’m going to become a prisoner of my past. However, mistakes are meant to be made and learned from. Time continues to move on whether I like it or not, so I might as well use it to heal rather than hurt. Next time I get involved with someone, I’ll make sure to look at what I’m listening to and see if my subconscious is trying to send me secret but not-so-secret messages.