For me, the first date feels like a lawless land. Meeting somebody new, especially somebody you are considering as a romantic partner, is stressful as it is, and when something off-script happens, it could be hard to figure out if that’s just a first-date quirk or if you should be grabbing your purse and making a run for it. Whether you’re just planning the first date or on it, here are 4 first date red flags that should make you beeline to the exit.
1. they don’t want to meet in public
If you’re like many Gen Z daters, maybe you’ve been meeting and talking to potential dates through the safety of your phone. If you’ve found someone who you like, you’ll inevitably want to hop onto planning that first date– especially since now there are so many “rules” about when to plan it!
If they are flakey about meeting at all, then that’s a waving red flag that you’re just there for some brief entertainment. Maybe they’re bored, but if they’re not trying to find a time in their life to fit you in for a brief first date, then they definitely won’t be making time for you later. Everybody has the right to determine when you should plan your first date after talking to someone new, but in general, flakiness is not a good sign.
If they’re eager to meet but want you to come straight back to their place or they want to take you on a date somewhere secluded, then be careful! There’s no shame in a casual hook-up or a fun hiking date, but you should always trust your gut and be prepared for the chance you’ll have to protect yourself. There are a lot of strange people in this world and it’s always better to be safe rather than sorry, so maybe the local coffee shop is a better first date location than a secluded hiking path.
2. They talk over you.
The first date is the prime-time to begin getting to truly know somebody… but how will they get to know you if they never let you speak? Talking over somebody once, twice, maybe even a handful of times, with a polite apology can always be considered an accident. But if your date is constantly belittling you or talking over you, that’s more of an indicator that they don’t respect you or care about what you have to say. Only caring about what they have to see is a classic case of someone who is way too egocentric or even aggressive, and trust me girl- the last thing you ever want in a man is a complete lack of respect for you. Swipe left on that one!
3. love bombing.
Love bombing is every TikTok therapist’s new favorite word, but what does it actually mean? Licensed therapist Sasha Jackson, LCSW, defines love bombing as “excessive attention, admiration, and affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent and obligated to that person.” You’ll often see this behavior being used by those who are narcissistic, manipulative, or abusive.
There’s no wonder why it works- who doesn’t want to feel loved and appreciated? Being the recipient of such strong feelings at the beginning of a relationship can make you feel flattered and wanted. Most people crave these feelings of admiration, affection, and validation from a partner, and receiving it so quickly can make you feel like this relationship might be a match made in heaven. But on the contrary, this is something you should be being extra cautious about.
After all, how can someone who is just meeting you for the first time declare their affection so strongly? These people are painting an idealistic image of themselves where they are the perfect partner so they can trap you into an abusive cycle that is hard to escape. If you’re not sure whether or not you’re a victim of love bombing, just ask yourself- would I do this for someone I barely know? If not, then be cautious.
4. He’s focused on his future.. with you.
Everyone should have some healthy goals in mind, and it’s definitely a good thing to share them on your first date! Where you hope to be in one, five, or ten years, your career goals, and even your future family goals, are all things that everyone should have at least thought about, and even sharing just a generalized rough idea of them is great for a first-date conversation starter. But if your date is starting to fit you into all these plans without even truly knowing you, that should be a huge red flag!
First dates are stressful enough, but they should become enjoyable and relaxed. This is the prime time to get to know the other person- not to feel stressed while they figure out where you’re going to be in their future. How do they even know you two have a future together when you barely know each other? This can be overwhelming and take the fun out of what should be a casual, exciting date!
Additionally, if he is mentioning parts of his future that clash with your visions of your future, don’t be afraid to call it quits. For example, if his future includes a pretty housewife and 5 kids, but yours includes a stable career and a cat, then maybe this just isn’t going to work out. Some parts of people’s plans just aren’t compatible, and it’s much easier to end things early before a real attachment begins.
Dating is hard for anyone, no matter how old you are, where you are in life, or the world, or what you’re looking for, but there is not a single person in the world worth sacrificing your own well-being and mental health for. It can be hard to see the red flags, especially when they aren’t waving when you’re wearing those cliché rose-colored glasses, but it’s important that we all stay aware. It’s much better to be happy and single than to be miserable and in an unhealthy relationship!