I got my inspiration for this article just as I took out some of my time whilst studying for finals to visit certain family members. But, boy oh boy, did my sentiments change after the visit. Not only was I interrogated and given insensitive comments about my personal life, there was also a breach of trust – which all began with insider details about my life being given without my consent by a relative whom I thought I could trust to keep things to herself when I added her to my “close friends list” on Instagram. There is always a tendency for families to think that just because they have your best interests at heart, it is completely acceptable for them to say whatever they want (whether it hurts you or not), so long as they get their point across.
With Chinese New Year coming up fast, here are some tips and tricks to help you deal with unwarranted comments and advice about your life by “well-meaning” family members.
- Drawing the Line during Conversations
As much as you love your family, you cannot do it without ignoring your own needs. When a conversation starts to get draining, or you feel like you are being attacked for the choices that you have made in life, learn to draw firm boundaries like “I’m not comfortable talking about it, I hope that you can respect my decision.” Being kind in the way you relay this can help a lot too.
This can be especially helpful when dealing with family members who do not truly value you as a person and who have not filled your cup, but are withdrawing from your emotional bank account – a concept coined in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. It’s said that we all have an emotional bank account for every relationship we have with another. He demonstrates it by illustrating the metaphor of how “By proactively doing things that build trust in a relationship, one makes ‘deposits’.” And one makes withdrawals when they do things like falling to live up to promises made. This is a very helpful concept regarding how to maintain all sorts of relationships with others: Once your emotional bank account reaches a zero or a deficit, that’s when you feel like you do not want to have anything to do with the other party in question, and just want to be as far away from the person as possible, or even not have the capacity to be there for the person any longer. This is the epitome of a strained relationship.
That is why it is important to draw boundaries, especially with family who are important in our lives and whom we cannot cut ties with in order to preserve that emotional bank account we have with them (This method also allows us to forge persevering relationships).
- Cut Short the Time You Spend with Them
It is totally okay to protect your mental and emotional well-being by calling it a day early, making up certain excuses to leave the party or family gathering when it gets too much. This not only helps preserve the emotional bank account that you have with them but also allows you to have a form of respite. There is this mantra that I live by, which is to spend the most time with people who make you feel uplifted and energised (that is how you know that they are good for you).
- To Take Things with a Grain of Salt
It’s an art or a kind of self-mastery, really, to not take what people in your family say so seriously especially when it gets personal, or the ugly head starts to rear itself. Find the joke in the unremarkable comments that used to trigger and cut deep. Find the humour in how these people seem to think they know it all or as if they own a flawless perception of the world, when in actual fact, they barely know the intricate workings and nuances of how life works.
- It’s All about Context.
The generation and era one is born in can really determine one’s outlook on life and determine the values that one holds close to their heart. Be mindful of how our relatives – especially those from an older generation – were born and raised in a more conservative context. Hence, values will definitely not align in many aspects and areas. Respect the differences and what they think “ought” to be the way, and just note that they are only seeing things from what they best know and understand.
- Choose Who to Open Up to Wisely
We all sometimes need advice and perspectives from the people who came before us – people who have been through and seen more in life. It is okay to lean on family sometimes. I like to go by the rule of identifying the family members who truly see your value and who value you in return. This helps me to cherry-pick who I choose to share my inner world and innermost thoughts that are troubling me. At the end of the day, you want to know that the person you confide in is someone who sincerely cares for you and also wants to see you succeed and be happy. Also, ensure that they share the same core values as you. Other ways to know whether they are the right fit is that you just respect them for the person they are, and not just based on what they achieved. Keep a lookout for whose opinions you take into deep consideration.
I would like to end off this article with a quote from Yung Pueblo, a profound writer whom I follow on Instagram:
“love is not:
I will give this to you
If you will do this for me
Love is
I will give this to you
So that you may shine.”