What Could Have Been

Remember that time when we spent all of our free time venting about what the world had in store for us? I do. Remember that time we stayed up all night because we had too much dark chocolate? I do. What happened to those moments?

We shared smiles and laughter together all wrapped up in special moments that are between us. That’s what memories are for. They keep all these special times saved in a special place where we’ll never forget them. My stubbornness, constant sassiness, and desire to prove you wrong mixed with your never-ending jokes felt so right in the moment. You were someone to confide in whenever something was wrong; even when I sprained my finger you helped me laugh about it rather than focusing on the pain I was in. It just takes passing by the place where it all began to bring back all the butterflies, nervous giggles, and awkward hand holding. Yes, we agreed to the terms and conditions to the nonexclusive relationship, but somewhere in the middle those terms I thought I would be okay, became something I wasn’t okay with.  I am not okay because you broke me. I had all of my trust in you, despite people telling me to not trust you.

Maybe it is all of the other girls you are still stringing around, if you would have chased when I ran, or if you expressed yourself instead of hiding all your emotions. I didn’t want to find out the way I did, but I still want to know your reasoning. Was she worth it? I should have known that you would have started going for another girl less than a week after I was gone. Did she have to be someone I knew? Someone I was close with? Take your mask off and show everyone who you are, who I saw you to be. Was that really you in all those memories, or was it someone you were trying to be?

I don’t blame you for the lack of communication these last few months. I often look back at our time together, and think about what I could have done. Maybe I should have kept things just between the two of us, did she throw herself at you, was it bad timing? These things I will never know.

Just in case I don’t get the chance to say it, the time we shared was great. I do not regret any of the jokes we played on one another or the friendship we had before we developed feelings for each other. I wish we could have remained on good terms because I miss you. Just know that I will never have an ounce of hatred toward you, and I’ll be picking flower petals wondering what could have been…