Everyone has their “thing” and, for the longest time, I assumed I didn’t have a “thing”. I wasn’t known for anything remarkable. Sure, I rode horses, but it was more of a hobby than a life-consuming shtick. Only recently have I realized how much school has become my thing over the years. School came easily to me growing up, I got by with mostly As and a handful of Bs here and there if a class was more difficult. Sophomore year of high school, however, I got my first semester of straight As. I’ve been addicted since.
I rarely miss class, I prioritize studying over seeing friends, and I go to bed relatively early in order to not be tired in class. I enjoy being in class and taking notes over material I’m genuinely interested in. With my studying routine down, I’ve been slowly figuring out how I learn best. But while I’ve always cared deeply about my performance in school, the importance of maintaining straight As for the past five years has never been more apparent than when my 4.0 is threatened so close to the end of the semester.
For a class that’s not even in my major or minor, it has been a challenge all semester. Taken purely for the enjoyment of the topic, this class has been less than joyful. Weekly quizzes and writing assignments could easily be grade boosters; however, I’m having a hard time figuring out the professor’s grading style. I have yet to achieve a perfect score in either category. This would not necessarily be detrimental, but my exam grade averages to a high B, just like my overall class grade. So, losing points in easy areas causes my grade to suffer. As the semester draws to a close, I fear I will no longer be able to pull it up to an A. Granted, there are still two more exams, including a cumulative final, but pattern suggests I will be getting a B.
(Photo by Angelina Litvin on Unsplash)
Long story short, I still haven’t come to terms with the possible reality of not getting all As this semester. Grades don’t define you or your intelligence, yes, but what about when school has become your thing? It hurts to not excel in a critical part of your identity. I’ve always been smart, and the only way I can physically demonstrate that is by getting the grades I do. Every test is a performance, every essay is a chance to prove myself. Even when I’m “winging” an exam, I probably still studied more than anyone else “winging” it. Failure is not an option for me, and anything below an A feels like failure. No one has ever outwardly pressured me to keep achieving straight As, nor will anything exponentially terrible happen if I don’t maintain a 4.0. But, it would be nice.
In reality, I’m a good student. I work hard for what I’ve achieved. I put in a lot of time into dedicating myself to my schoolwork. Having a perfect GPA simply validates all of my efforts have been worth the struggle and the sacrifices I’ve made along the way. I wonder where I went wrong during the semester, where I let myself slip and become lazy. Could I have done better on this quiz? Did I not proofread this writing assignment? Is there anything more I could have done?
Although I would rather not get my first B in college this semester, it has taught me a lot about the pressure I put on myself and how deeply I internalize these “failures”. Anyone should be proud to even pass, let alone earn a B in an upper-level college course. I wouldn’t have made it this far if I wasn’t smart. The expectations I hold myself to are too high and inflexible. Sometimes, we need large obstacles in our path in order to grow. I’m trying to view this as an opportunity to better myself and change my mindset, rather than tear myself down. I am good enough. I am smart enough.