The act to overshare, comes under most intimate confessions are often made to strangers, because we are not afraid of losing them.
Michel de Montaigne
The Strange Comfort of Being Unknown.
When you’re no longer visible to someone there is no reason you shouldn’t unload, let go of your past, and end those cycles from behind you. Strangers do not have a history to your prior experience or situations and therefore, they cannot limit or control your future. Thus, strangers can feel safer to you than people you see all the time because there are fewer opportunities for you to create a bond or rely on them between you. This may be the only thing someone with a heavy heart may require for their peace of mind.
When we tell something to a stranger and they may think we are irresponsible but most likely, they really just need someone to let them release their burden. The act of sharing what we’ve said to a stranger can allow that person to express what they’re feeling in this moment without worrying about any event happening today that could affect the future. You’ll not put a strain on your good name, you will not have a change of feelings from your close friends, and the stranger is going to hear your words only once at one time. A temporary interaction serves as an outlet for feelings.
Close friends will always continue to be around after you tell them your feelings; thus, these constant reminders of your words will create meaning to them.
Emotional Honesty Has a Cost PEOPLE ARE Afraid to Pay.
Although it is our desire to believe that complete honesty is healthy, the actual experiences of living teach us that this is not true. The level of honesty you use to deal with another person will change your entire relationship with them. The minute you share the level of your struggle to a friend or family member is the minute that relationship is changed irreparably; regardless of whether they state that fact out loud or just feel like they must start to handle you differently, there will be an undeniable change in the relationship you had prior to sharing your struggle.
Thus, people, in their communication with each other, frequently do not share their true feelings and experiences with each other—primarily for the purpose of self-preservation.
“I am alright.”
“I am just really tired.”
“That is not a big deal.”
These aren’t lies designed for malice; they are lies of self-survival. Many people have experienced times where being vulnerable has resulted in being pitied, managed, or separated from. Therefore, balancing stability with vulnerability results in them valuing balance over truth and preferring to remain socially acceptable over being honest.
Strangers do not hold you the same way friends do; therefore, vulnerability is very risky when connected to your friends.
TO OVERSHARE Isn’t About Attention, It’s About Control.
Many think of “oversharing” as being dramatic or seeking sympathy, but it generally exists to establish a sense of the way you control your vulnerability. If you overshare with a stranger, you determine the parameters of how deeply or how long and how it will end.
There is power when you tell your story and do not ask for follow-up.
With friends, opening your vulnerability leads to doorways that may feel overwhelming for you to step through. They may check-in with you on their own time. They may ask very difficult questions. They have a desire to see progress. When you overshare with strangers, you are able to open up your story without feeling the need to be accountable for moving towards healing with someone you already know.
It’s a confession without obligation.
And for individuals who are barely able to hold themselves together, this difference is more significant than most will care to acknowledge.
What we hide from those closest to us often defines our loneliness more than being alone ever could.
Rainer Maria Rilke
The Fear of Becoming “Too Much”.
The underlying fear that creates this paradox is often unnoticed by the individual who has it: What happens if I am no longer wanted because of what I feel?
People first learn how to keep their relationships intact by being ‘low-maintenance.’ As a result, many will censor themselves by limiting their honesty and displaying a functional (digestible but not disruptive) version of the impact of their pain.
Strangers don’t run this risk because they can be ‘too much’ one time and it will be over. When it comes to friends, the relationship has already been invested into which creates additional fear of being devalued in the eyes of other people you want to keep.
Therefore, many people lie because they do not want to risk damaging their relationships and not because they do not trust their friends; they do not trust what the truth will cost them.
When Truth Feels Safer at a Distance.
You can find painful irony by thinking about what it means for someone to be totally honest with themselves but at the same time, by feeling totally disconnected from anyone else. Thus, by feeling the superiority of means you are disconnected or willfully hidden from others.
Because of this, you spend your emotional time with two different places. The place where your deepest truths are found is with people that do not matter in your life. With family and friends you share a version of yourself that has been severely edited. Eventually this type of disconnect creates a sense of being alone; it is not because there are no other people, but because of how you think about or know yourself.
Thus, the feeling of being unseen, even in the presence of other people, becomes distressing.
The hard truth is that you likely created the situation yourself, you know, maybe to cope better.
The Quiet Hope Beneath the Paradox.
Regardless of how many times someone gives lame suggestions (also known as excessiveness), their need for sincerity in friendships remains constant—perhaps more so today than in the past. Sharing too much does not substitute for friendship; rather, it serves to relieve some of the pressure placed on emotional people due to having to maintain their composure.
To put this another way, the heart wants to be heard but does not know where it feels comfortable enough to express itself.
Maybe we need to create more safe environments for us to gradually expose our true selves. Environments where we can tell the truth and not feel it is a high-risk endeavor, nor do we feel guilty about doing so.
Although many people experience attraction and secrets, they want to stay safe while existing as the true him or her.
Discover more stories on Her Campus at MUJ. More articles by me coming soon at Vaibhav Chaudhary at HCMUJ; he who watches the world and its miracles closely, noticing what slips between moments, between the infinite realities.