My relationship with my mother wasn’t great all my life. As a child and an adolescent, I lied, hibernated in my room and frequently lashed out at my mother. Therapy and self-reflection has allowed me to realize that these behaviors stemmed from an unhealthy relationship with myself and my father, which I unfortunately took out on the person I cared the most for. I deeply regret and apologize for the times where I told my mother I hated her and lashed out at her, but I am fortunate enough to have been forgiven and never lost the love of my mother.
The relationship that I have with my mother is such a blessing that I sometimes cry to myself when I think about how much I love her and how lucky I am to have her in my life. My eyes really started to open when my family kicked my father at of the house. From that moment on, our six-person family became a five. Originally, I felt that I had lost a parent. However, we did not lose a parent; we just realized that our mother was the one who had raised us, cared for us and prioritized us our whole lives.
To deny my father’s presence in my life for 17 years would be a false narrative. However, most of the time he was nothing more than a financial provider and negative presence. My mother was the one who always drove her four kids to their events, attended all of their activities and PTA meetings, and always found a way to put her kids before herself. I regret that I didn’t appreciate her selflessness at a younger age, but I’m grateful that I’ve come to a point in my life where I can acknowledge and appreciate all that my mother has done for me.
I’m extremely fortunate to have a strong role-model in my life who has taught me what it’s like to endlessly love, give, support, and care for the people who mean the most to them. I recognize that not everyone is lucky enough to be in the position that I’m in. Not everyone’s rock is going to be their parent. My advice is that when you find that person in your life who teaches you these qualities, recognize their worth and value them for the things they have taught you. The relationship I have with my mother may not be perfect and we still have our occasional arguments, but I would not trade her for the world.
There are times in my life where I feel extremely depressed and am surrounded by darkness. Life gets hard and I lash out especially hard at myself in a self-destructive and unhealthy manner. Sometimes I am drowning in a sea of blackness and it feels as though there is no way out. In moments like these, I think of my family and I think of my mother. They are the light that leads me to the shore and helps me find my sanity. I truly believe that love conquers all, and the love that I receive from my family and my mother has kept me moving even through the hardest of times.
Recently, I’ve been suffering a great deal with my mental health and the things that my mother has done to insure my safety, health and happiness are beyond what I knew possible. The way in which she is willing to put everything on hold at the drop of a hat just to speak with me on the phone, even if it’s merely for five minutes, speaks volumes about the compassion and love she holds in her heart. A woman like her deserves to be showered with flowers, gifts and love every moment of her life. A woman like her deserves to be surrounded by people who love her, care for her and respect her infinitely. A woman like her deserves the best in this world. And a woman like her deserves a daughter who will continually thank her for the hope, light and love that has been received her entire life, even if it just took her awhile to realize it.
My darling mother, you are my rock that keeps me grounded and reminds me there is always light to be found in the darkness. I will never be able to thank you enough or tell you enough how much you mean to me. I love you.