On November 18, 2019, Melissa A. Fabello began a Twitter thread discussing a message from a friend of hers. The friend’s message read: “Do you have the emotional/mental capacity for me to vent about something medical/weight-related for a few minutes?” Using the message as a starting point, Fabello explained in the thread the importance of asking for a friend’s consent before unloading your emotional problems on them, setting expectations for the conversation, and making the content of what you want to vent about clear, which helps your friend be aware of potentially triggering or heavy content. What really became controversial, however, was the tweet Fabello included at the end.
Other Twitter users immediately commented on the tone of the template offered by Fabello, comparing it to a rejection letter or an HR referral. Many said it indicated a lack of empathy on her part, calling her views on friendship “capitalistic” or “transactional.” Some went so far to call the template sociopathic.
It’s true that the template reads coldly—that’s why it’s a template, as Fabello said herself! If I needed to vent and my friend did not have the capacity for it at the moment, I probably wouldn’t be thrilled to receive this any more than I’m thrilled to receive a form of rejection for an opportunity. However, adjusting templates to be more personal and individual is the purpose of a template. To complain about the tone of Fabello’s text misses the point she made in the thread, which is that the important takeaway is not a word-for-word copy and paste of her template, but that you need to communicate your boundaries to your friend while still making it clear you want them to get help and/or could help them at a later date.
In the information age, it’s easier than ever to dump your problems on your friends. You can send them a text anytime, see if they’ve read it or not, check if they’re online, and react accordingly. Because of this, it’s easy to expect someone to be permanently available, since they can receive and read a text at any time. That’s just not realistic, though! People have their own lives and their own problems, and even though a good friend will want to help you through your problems, they’re also not available all the time. That doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, just that we all have our own individual lives. It’s true that friendship isn’t a transaction, and you shouldn’t treat it as such, but your friend also isn’t your emotional trash can for you to dump all your feelings on regardless of their wishes. It’s essential to communicate clearly with your friends and respect that they have a limited mental capacity, while understanding they still care about you.
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