As I look around the room of my college dorm, moments after turning in what seemed to be a never-ending research paper, I find myself pausing, in silence, for a moment of reflection. I start off admiring my desk, covered with marble contact paper in a flimsy attempt to mask the grotesque shade of greenish beige hiding underneath. I turn to see my nameless twin plants resting underneath a painting I purchased at the request of a friend. Despite careful thought, I had never been able to find names that adequately fit their personalities, though I haven’t given up on trying. From there, my eyes make their way to the futon, which has faithfully endured countless naps and endless sleepovers with friends. Then, I find myself entranced by the lights hung directly above, watching them glow. Finally, I return to my bed, eyes focused on the collection of photos collected from forgotten nights with memorable people. In this moment, I feel serene.
As the silence grows louder, I find my mind begins to wander, asking questions that leave me lost in thought. What would my younger self think of me right now? Would she be proud of what I’ve done? The person I’ve become? I embrace the silence, hoping it will invite a space for an answer to easily heard. Yet as the silence began to consume the room, I asked myself a different question. Am I proud of myself now? Too often, I am quick to critique myself, questioning why I did something, why I didn’t, or how I could’ve done it better. Yet in this moment of completeness, I found myself returning to my inner child for my answer. She would be proud of herself for making it to college. She would be proud of the fact that she is paying her own tuition. She would be proud she wrote a ten-page research paper. After all, the most she had ever written was three. But most importantly, she would be proud of the way she loves, the way she loves her family, her friends, and even strangers. So as I find myself, 19 years old, looking around the room of my college dorm, moments after turning in my paper, I am proud. I am proud because I know she would be.