To the One Who Broke My Heart,
I never thought that we would be in this place. We were solid; we were going places. Our relationship was never something that I had to worry about. I was never insecure, and I never questioned our love. I always felt like one of the lucky ones.
It feels like someone flipped a switch, completely changing the order of my life – of our life. It all happened so fast, and before I knew it, I was forced to agree to something that was beyond my control, beyond what I could handle. And I was alone.
We didn’t have the perfect day that day; there was some bickering, but nothing outrageously bad or meaningful. And there were some really good parts of that day too – laughs, pictures, happiness. But that night – that night, everything changed.
It was like I was watching myself from above, looking down and seeing everything unravel – seeing me unravel. How could you have feelings for someone else?
I really wanted to work things out. I still want to work things out. I knew that there had to be something bigger going on, something that could be – should be – communicated, and something that could be made better. Given our close-to-perfect relationship history, I couldn’t rationalize giving up. I was proud of you for being honest with me. There had to be hope; we have to get through this.
As you continued to become honest with me, it felt like we were living in a museum of tiny secrets – ones that didn’t mean much on their own, but together had the ability to put a strain on our relationship. I don’t blame you for feeling tied down, and I think it’s normal to get cold feet when making a serious commitment. But I wish you would have talked to me.
I can’t help but wonder if we would be in a different place right now, had we communicated. Would you have been vulnerable to someone else? Would you still be with me? There are so many “what ifs,” and those alone are destroying me.
Do you know how it feels to see you with another woman? It makes me sick knowing that someone else is getting your kisses, feeling your touch and telling you about their day. Had I known that our last hug, kiss or cuddle was really our last, I would have appreciated it so much more.
I need you to realize that I don’t get the emotional support of another person like you do; I only have myself. It’s not true that every day gets easier. Every day becomes harder and harder. I am exhausted.
In the end, I wonder if I did this to myself. Did I love you too hard? Did I give you too much of myself? Was I too afraid that you would be taken from me, that my fears became reality? I guess that’s the self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don’t think that I will ever stop believing in a future for you and I. For many, looking at the flaws in a relationship make the breakup easier, but I didn’t see any faults. I only saw love.
If we are never brought back together again, I want to say thank you. Up until the end, thank you for treating me with the utmost respect and making me feel more loved than I have ever felt before. But you can never forget the pain and confusion that you have caused me.
Looking forward to better days,