To all of my fellow first generation college students, I want to say that you are not alone, and while I may not have anything figured out yet, I have had plenty of time to think about what I’ve learned about my college experience as I wrap up my first year of college at Michigan State University.
I was born in Juarez Mexico and lived there for seven years before I moved to Michigan. At the age of six before moving, I was incapable of understanding that the possibility of living the life I’ve lived in the United States leading up to now was a possibility. And while I worry about many things as many of us do, I remind myself of the path I’ve progressed through since I was a toddler until now, and what that means for my parents, family in Mexico, and myself.
To be honest there have been many times throughout this school year that I have felt afraid to fail, afraid to “be behind,” afraid of missing out on opportunities, and afraid of potentially choosing the “wrong” path, one that will not bring me success. As first generation college students, we feel immense pressure to get things right the first time. Many of us do not have a back up plan, a safety net, or the freedom to pursue careers based on passion. Many of us have to sacrifice what we truly desire for the sake of getting the most out of our parents’ efforts to get us to where we are; many of us do not have the luxury of experiencing college the same way others might.
However, I have learned to embrace the feelings of loneliness, the fear, and the pressure. Something I have learned over the course of these two semesters is that we are all dealt extremely different circumstances whether that be fair or not. Some of us have better financial situations than others; some of us get to have apartments and cars on campus and some of us don’t. Some of us have had parents to walk us through the whole process and some of us don’t. Some of us get the privileges of enjoying college for the “experience” and some of us don’t. Instead of being upset at the differences between my college experience and that of my peers, I think to myself that my college experience should be like what I am experiencing right now. Because it’s not supposed to look the same for any of us. There is no “certain” college experience we “should” have.
I was raised to think these things by my peers, my teacher, and my friends’ families, who have no true understanding of my culture, or home life. And whenever I got on campus and things didn’t look that way for me, I wanted to quit. I told myself it wasn’t worth it and that I should just go home. I told myself: “I wish people understood what it’s like, “I wish people would put themselves in my shoes,” “I wish my parents understood, and would help me instead of the other way around.” The fact is that you should not give up just because you think people do not understand you, or because you feel alone. Being the first one to attend college, let alone move out of your home, is not easy, and there is an overwhelming feeling of guilt, resentment, and fear all at once.
It’s not supposed to be easy, and it’s quite frustrating sometimes. I wanted to leave my home so badly. I wanted to get away from my parents and be “free.” However, I quickly realized how guilt can creep up on me, because I’m not home helping my mom, or taking care of my brother or saving my parents some money by staying home.That guilt is not something I’ve gotten rid of yet; however, I have moments in which I allow myself to enjoy what my parents and I have created for myself, because I am allowed to and so are you. I’m working on cutting out the habit I have of waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for something bad to happen. Sometimes we’re so conditioned to think in survival mode, and to be incredibly independent because we cannot afford otherwise. Being a first generation college student is never going to be something that the mass population will ever be able to fully understand, and It’s not something that is in my control. I’m trying to start acting like it and I’m trying to stop being upset just because someone does not truly understand what this experience means for me. Recognizing your strength and willpower to succeed is the first step to let yourself enjoy the fruits of your effort, because even if I haven’t figured anything out, I’m here. My future is not a burden, it’s a gift, and every single student deserves to feel that way, regardless if we want to be here or not; regardless if you live away from home or still live in your childhood bedroom; regardless of what your circumstances may be, we all deserve a future,and as long as you want it, it’s there.