Life Lessons as Learned by a Neurotic, Fifth-Year, Transfer Student: Katy Perry is an Idiot.

Katy Perry is an Idiot.

On a particularly hung-over day, while slowly killing myself at the tanning salon, that stupid Katy Perry song that’s been like way popular that like no one can stop singing came on.

Not sure which one I’m talking about?  They’re all stupid and way too catchy?  Fair enough, I agree.  To be honest I don’t even know which one I’m talking about but I know it is not to be taken as a factual account of Last Friday Night.

“It’s a blacked-out blur, but I’m pretty sure it ruled,” the lyrics banging against my ear drums as I lie there helpless to do anything but take the audio assault.
 

Yes Katy, it was a blacked-out blur, but I’m pretty sure it did the opposite of rule.  In fact the night was no match for the amount of alcohol consumed.

It did not rule. Perhaps the tag-team combo of our enthusiasm and dance moves did look promising early on.  Washington Apples and Grape Bombs were taken down with ease during the first few rounds. 

We came out of the gate strong, but so did the drinks.

Allowing us a few premature moments of celebratory bliss, and then just like that its 10:30 am.  Didn’t even see it coming.  You’re still wearing what you were wearing 12 hours ago, every light in your house is on and there is a crack across the front screen of your iPhone.

Friday Night 0, Alcohol 23,618,238,524,204.

Getting blacked out is a lot of things but glamorous is not one of them.  Our cup-caked bra, blue-haired, pop-star gal-pal wants us to believe otherwise. 

The city towing your car and maxing out your credit cards aren’t entirely traumatic events to wake up to when you’re like, a millionaire.  But if my credit card statement even hinted at an overdraft from a bar my dad wouldn’t find it quite so cute.

Perhaps Ms. Perry’s infatuation with drunken debauchery can be chalked up to the result of spending her teenage years in pursuit of a career in Christian rock. 

Haven’t you heard that theory that the “good” kids turn out to be ones passing out beer bongs and dancing on tabletops in college?  Whip cream spraying nipples and kissing chicks is certainly a drastic change of direction.

But she’s not the only pop princess who thinks getting hammered is like way fab and so in right now. 

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While I commend Kesha- excuse me, Ke$ha, for actually dressing in matter consistent with what a hangover feels like, I somewhat doubt she’s ever had one.  Or at least a bad one.

Those who Don’t Stop to her jams at night are praying they don’t hear it in the morning.  No one on earth brushes their teeth with a bottle of Jack.  Not even Diddy.

That phrase alone evokes my gag reflex.  If I ever woke up after a night out and brushed my teeth with whiskey, I’d promptly curl up into the fetal position and do my best not to die. 

Rihanna might have found Love in a Hopeless Place but let’s not get over zealous.  Remember while Rick’s is a hopeless place Rihanna is the exception, not the rule. 

But  I am LMAFO-ing at the idea that I spent last night singing I’m Sexy and I Know It.  False, I was hammered- and everyone knows it.  And right now, I really am Sorry for Party Rocking.

I am, like Wiz, Young, Wild and Free, totally bro!  But Wiz has no worries about possession charges or MIPs.  Presumably these fears don’t translate when you reach a certain level of celebrity. 

Maybe in the moment I don’t care who sees, but I should.  Pictures of last night ended up online and I’m pretty sure I am actually screwed.  Katy probably doesn’t have to worry about potential employers or grad schools scanning her Facebook looking for inappropriate extra-circulars.

While these pop hits are fun to dance to, let us keep in mind that these are not meant to be ways to live life.  I’m not hating on partying.  We all get hammed from time to time, it can be fun and frankly sometimes unavoidable.

But these songs are served best when pre-gaming, or when you’re living it up on the dance floor.  Not when you’re hung over and late to your bio exam.  Not when you have to take a giant van cab to your Friday morning class.  Not when your dad is bitching at you for over-drafting at the bar- again.

Not when reality sets in. 

Our girl Katy doesn’t have to worry about such things though.  Unlimited cash flow, VIP access and no early morning classes to worry about certainly make Katy’s nights out very different from that of a college kid.  Maybe there’s something to be said for pop music trying to relate to the lives of listeners but let’s get real, we aren’t exactly living the same life.