It’s that time of year again. Maybe you’re trying to find the perfect gift for your partner — personally, I suggest a Squishmallow, because you can never really go wrong there — or maybe you’re gearing up to watch 10 Things I Hate About You and listen to Frank Ocean and Taylor Swift all day. Either way, it’s always a good idea to assess the relationships in your life: romantic, platonic, or otherwise. They may just feel like buzzwords at this point, but boundaries really are fundamental in fostering healthy interactions with other people. Their influence spans the entirety of a relationship, and taking stock of where you’re at can really benefit you and your partner.
First, let’s discuss what types of boundaries exist. There are physical boundaries which deal with touch and personal space. These might refer to what you’re comfortable doing physically with another person, and where and when you’re comfortable doing it. Some partners might enjoy public displays of affection, while others might hate it. Communicating those preferences with each other is essential, not only for the simple fact that it ensures everyone is only doing things that make them happy, but it also avoids any resentment that could occur if one partner is pushed too far. Respecting your partner’s physical boundaries is not only essential, but it’s really the bare minimum. Everyone moves at different speeds, and trying to hold someone to any standard but their own is unhealthy and dangerous.
Emotional boundaries are equally important to keep in mind. These can come into play when one partner’s mood is being constantly affected by the mood of the other. One partner having a bad day shouldn’t mean that both will end up miserable, but emotional dependence often makes this the case. It’s important to communicate about one’s feelings and set limits when negative emotions become shared. This can become somewhat difficult in heterosexual relationships as research shows that men and women adopt differing communication styles. Whereas men face hardship and help by trying to fix the problem, women are generally more likely to listen and offer emotional support. Both methods are valid and their helpfulness depends on the individual, but making it clear which you prefer to your partner can avoid a lot of confusion.
Finally, setting intellectual boundaries is a significant step. These refer to any ideas or beliefs the partners might share or differ on. Disagreeing in a relationship is not at all a bad thing, but it becomes a problem when one might be afraid to approach certain topics with their partner. Religious beliefs, political views — these should be able to differ in accordance with one’s comfort level. However, setting boundaries on where discussions can go is beneficial.
There are many other levels and layers of boundaries that can be set, but really they all come down to communication and degree of dependence. For this reason, I’m going to discuss them in the context of a largely popular fictional relationship: Jules Vaughn and Rue Bennett from HBO’s Euphoria.
Jules and Rue meet when Rue has just returned home from rehab after a nearly fatal overdose. The two grow immediately close, and start referring to each other as their best friend within days of knowing one another. They plan out a future in which they’ll share an apartment and spend the rest of their lives together. Their friendship is intimate and compassionate, but it soon becomes clear that Rue harbors romantic feelings for her friend. The two have a tumultuous relationship throughout the show’s first season, always caring deeply for each other but never seeming to express it correctly.
Jules and Rue are an easily “shippable” couple. They seem like the ideal “friendship-to-lovers” progression that audiences crave. Plus, their own personal struggles with addiction, depression, and transphobia make them all the more compelling to viewers. However, their relationship is not without flaws. In episode three, the two make up after an argument, and Jules tells Rue, “I hate everyone else in the world but you.” While the Bonnie and Clyde dynamic is often romanticized in popular culture, it is neither realistic nor healthy.
Hating everyone but each other isn’t good for Jules and Rue. When they argue, who else are they supposed to go to? If their relationship ends, what happens next? Rue is a recovering drug addict, and her recovery is never an easy process. Jules quickly becomes the reason for her sobriety, and while it’s inspiring that a relationship could so positively impact someone, it’s also very dangerous. At the end of the day, these are two teenage girls. Placing the responsibility of Rue’s sobriety and wellbeing on Jules’s shoulders is unfair to both. It’s a heavy burden, and one that Jules has difficulty living up to.
The two have set relatively no boundaries with each other. Even before they start dating, this is made painfully clear when Jules asks Rue to help her take partial nude photographs to send to a boy she is texting. Jules sees no issue with asking her friend for this favor, but Rue, harboring a seemingly unrequited crush, is obviously uncomfortable. Setting physical boundaries could have avoided this awkwardness, but they’ve never had a conversation to establish their comfort levels.
While dating, Rue and Jules are hopelessly emotionally dependent on one another. Rue is in love and ready to gain every bit of her happiness from Jules, but the latter feels stifled. When Jules decides to leave town for a period of time, Rue falls into a depressive state, refusing to leave her bed even to use the bathroom, which nearly leads her to a kidney infection. Her emotional state is so dependent on her partner that any time apart absolutely ruins her.
While the popular consensus has been to villainize Jules for the missteps of this relationship, no one member is entirely at fault here. They’re practically children, and while Jules might have hurt Rue from time to time, being asked to keep someone else sober is a ridiculously unfair dynamic. Jules has her own crosses to bear, and the pressure and guilt of Rue’s relapses are suffocating. The relationship was toxic from the start, but setting boundaries earlier on could have avoided some of the pain and blurred lines that were to follow.
A relationship without boundaries can encompass so many different issues, from unclear expectations and resentment to a loss of personal identity and dangerous power dynamics. One common manifestation of this type of codependence is the “victim and saver relationship.”
This dynamic is one in which the first partner constantly blames others for their actions and emotions, thereby painting themselves as the “victim.” The second partner might always be trying to “fix” others by taking responsibility for their actions and emotions, thus taking on the role of the “saver.” These types of people are often drawn to each other, but they both inevitably fail because it’s impossible to completely meet the other person’s needs. The love and validation that each is seeking are based on low self-esteem and fallacies, so they will never truly satisfy. Victim/saver relationships are turbulent and rarely happy for long.
Rue is often asking Jules to save her, even if she’s not saying it in so many words. And Jules desperately wants to; she asks her friend to stay sober for her, and Rue obliges, but it’s not a promise that can last, at least not if Jules is the only reason for it. The relationship is doomed to end with one being hurt by the other.
Why does this all matter? Our lives are characterized by an ever-developing series of relationships. I’m a big believer that the differences between platonic and romantic bonds are less significant than the similarities, especially in terms of perceived importance (though this might be because I’ve been lucky enough to find a soulmate in my best friend), so the lessons outlined here can be applied in all types of relationships.
Putting yourself first in relationships is not always easy, and it can sometimes feel selfish to do so. I’d like to reiterate: prioritizing your own emotions, comfort, ideas, or career is not selfish. In fact, it’s beneficial to both you and your partner, because a failing relationship is one where these things aren’t able or allowed to happen. I think Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to assess and self-reflect. If the relationships in your lives look anything like that of Rue and Jules, that’s perfectly valid, but it’s time to start communicating.