The Fighter's Crown

My arms are resting on a glass, ovular table. 

I see my computer before my eyes, 

With a water bottle to the left, 

And a cup of fresh-brewed coffee to the right of its sides. 

Then, I glance down, 

And I see a half-eaten plate: 

One-third of a slice of avocado toast with a yolky fried egg

And two apple slices, 

Crisp and juicy like those on a late fall day. 

 

Instantaneously, I notice something: 

I have none of my past desires. 

No desire to go into my kitchen and consume every item of food in sight;

No desire to pull out the scale; 

No desire to calculate the calories of my meal,

And furthermore, no desire to figure out how I will “burn them off”;

No desire to conclude exactly when and what I will eat the rest of the day. 

No desire to go into the mirror and compare my figure of yesterday to today. 

 

In fact, after this meal, 

For eating, 

Especially carbs, 

Additionally fats,

For consuming and ingesting calories, 

For satisfying my body’s needs, 

I feel no guilt or shame. 

 

This is a long road I’m driving down. 

Some days feel easy;

Then, other days, 

I feel restless,

Like I will never be able to wear the recovery crown. 

Some days, 

I don’t give a damn about the calories I’ve eaten, 

Or my size. 

But, other days, 

It feels impossible to not inspect the labels, 

Or to not focus on if my stomach looks as if its bulging, 

And then, I begin to ask the “why’s:” 

Why do I care so much about my size?

Why did I not give a damn about calories yesterday,

And today, any calories I am unaware of put a little anxiety on the rise? 

Why do I feel in control one day and out of it the next?

Why do I feel accomplished for one moment and defeated again? 

 

The matter is 

This is a process of rise and fall, 

Up and down, 

Twists and turns, 

Topsy and turvy, 

And sometimes, 

Round and round. 

It is a process of self-reflection, 

And regardless of how you’re feeling, 

It is important to feel grateful that recovery has brought you right here and now. 

Believe me, 

Gratitude is not always simple or effortless.

In fact, 

It takes a lot of work oftentimes. 

But, in spite of it all, 

This is my journey — 

The road I’m driving down. 

I thank God I was given the chance,

And for now, 

Though I am not fully recovered, 

I will proudly wear my fighter’s crown.