I’ve been trying to be more open recently so I’ll state it plainly. I regret a lot of things.
Of course, that includes the not-so-life changing things from when I was younger. As a child when I did something wrong I would get in trouble and I would feel guilty or regret what I did, and I wouldn’t do it again. My mistakes were, for the most part, temporary, I learned from them, but the regret from choosing flip flops instead of sneakers is a lot less significant than the decisions I have now and far less than the decisions I will face.
My biggest weakness is that when I really want something, I become afraid of it. And that’s for everything I do. I’m always second-guessing myself and overthinking to the point where I convince myself that I’m not ready or that I can’t. I know my anxiety causes this type of thinking, but that doesn’t excuse me when I know I can yet I still don’t.
I keep pushing off my goals; my biggest one is to move to New York. I was captivated by the city during my first visit as a child. Ever since then I’ve been planning to go back as often as I could, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being there, having a place where I felt like I belong.
In high school, I almost applied to schools in New York but I quickly decided not to. I didn’t think I could get in but it was more so because I was terrified to move across the country by myself. Having only been out of Michigan to a few familiar places, the world felt dangerous and enormous, I didn’t think I was ready.
Then I told myself, “I’ll just transfer, I feel like I’m more ready, I can do it.”
The application was never started.
It was only a few days ago when I nearly bought a ticket to New York for spring break and it wasn’t expensive either, it was a fair price and I’m sure I could find a place to stay too. I was just messing around in my free time trying to see if it was actually possible, and it was, except that I would be going alone. I got to the end of choosing the dates and times and it was all perfect, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I closed the tab and that was the end.
One more thing to regret.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for where I am today and how far I’ve come but there’s a part of me that wonders what would be different about me if I would have chased my dreams sooner, or at all.
What would happen if I didn’t let my anxiety control my decisions?