Dear men,
Let’s talk about consent.
I know, I know, you’re tired of hearing about it. With the #MeToo movement, it seems like all we can talk about is consent. And you’re not a rapist, right? You could never do anything of that nature to a woman, right? As a society, we’ve been sold this narrative of what rape looks like: a creepy man in some bush waiting for a vulnerable, unsuspecting woman, who he then jumps and violently rapes. But you’re not that guy, so why is anyone talking to you about consent?
Well, it’s because that story doesn’t paint the full picture. According to the WHO, 1 in 3 women in the world will experience sexual violence–most of them at the hands of someone they know. Now if rapists are just men hiding in bushes or following women home, I don’t think there are enough of them in the world to commit all the atrocities women have faced since the beginning of time. I think most men who are perpetrators of sexual assault live amongst us as brothers, sons, partners, and co-workers, and we never even realize it. Some of them don’t even realize they are perpetrators of sexual assault because of a larger problem at hand: the gray area of consent.
The “gray area of consent” is sex or sexual acts that aren’t criminal but feel violating and harmful. Although we talk about consent being a clear, enthusiastic ”yes” to very specific sexual activities, we often don’t talk about what complicates consent even more: men have been socialized to sexually exploit women. I realized this recently during a conversation with some of my male friends about consent. They seemed quite uncomfortable with the idea of consent, almost like women asking for too much by asking to be treated with respect and dignity. Their main concerns seemed to be that asking for consent every step of the way seems “unsexy”, or “tiresome”, or that they could think that an experience was consensual and then be called out as an abuser on Twitter.
I just couldn’t understand where the confusion would come from, but upon further reflection, I realized it’s because asking for clear consent feels almost unnatural to most cis-gendered heterosexual men. The patriarchy has socialized them to entrap women into having sex, and if they are hesitant, they are supposed to coerce them, manipulate them. Additionally, society has given us socio-sexual scripts on how we’re supposed to have sex, which teach men that the exploitation and oppression of women are integral to affirming their masculinity. So it’s no surprise that we are seeing a rise in sexual assault on college campuses, coercion, date rape, marital rape, stealthing (the removal of a condom during sex without the consent of the other person), and many more forms of sexual violence. I don’t think all of you are terrible; I think you don’t even realize that the way you pursue sexual encounters is harmful. It feels like what you’re supposed to do and it’s not as violent as the man in the bush jumping women so of course you’re not concerned.
But you need to be concerned. We all need to be concerned. So many of your actions that have been normalized are actually forms of sexual violence that leave millions of women (and men) traumatized by events they don’t even fully understand. It’s things like coercing your partner into sex and them accepting because they’ve consented before and you claim to care for them. It’s stealthing your partner because she insisted you use a condom but you’ve been taught your pleasure and comfort comes first. It’s manipulating situations and omitting crucial information so women will sleep with you. It’s sleeping with vulnerable people even though there’s a power dynamic in your relationship and you have the upper hand (an example of this would be statutory rape). It’s thinking that you have the right to sleep with a girl because she consented to make out with you. A lot of the actions that have been normalized are actually not consensual and worst of all, victims are left just as confused as you are because they are supposed to consent, right? And you weren’t violent, and they may have wanted to sleep with you, so why are they so hurt and traumatized? This gray area of consent is leaving us with more victims of sexual violence and exploitation than we’d think, but we overlook it because it isn’t as violent as the age-old story of what rapes and sexual assaults look like.
So where does this leave you? What are you supposed to do about this? I think it means you have a lot of unlearning to do. We all have so much unlearning to do in relation to sex and consent. But in addition to unlearning, you must be willing to be held accountable and face the people you’ve hurt, and listen to their stories. We are not looking for condemnation, but justice and reform. And I know it’s hard to hold yourselves or your fellow men accountable. It’s hard because if you say they are wrong then you have to contend with your own actions. But contend you must. The livelihood and safety of millions of women depends on it and we will no longer sit back and take it. Figure out why asking for consent and creating a safe sexual environment for women feels like a burden to you and ask questions if you are confused about what consent looks like. We won’t chastise you for not knowing–a lot of us are also figuring it out, and it’s okay if you are, too. And most of all, do it because women are human beings deserving of respect, dignity, and care–not because you’re worried about finding your name on some Twitter thread accusing men of sexual assault. We deserve more than you’re half-hearted attempts at consent.