Birthdays are one of the most important days in everyone’s lives. It marks the start of a new year and a clean state. When it comes to birthdays, there’s definitely two types of people: the one who enjoys their birthday and makes it the most important day for everyone involved, and then the people who dread their birthday each year and it makes them sad.
For whatever reason, I’ve definitely switched from the first to second category over the years.
Growing up, I used to look forward to my birthday for weeks. There was this type of excitement of getting older and being able to experience new things. When I turned double digits, that felt like one of the most important moments of my life. I felt like I was finally old, and in my eyes being older felt awesome. Most children/teenagers spend a lot of their time wishing they are older so they can experience new things. The excitement of getting older was real until probably when I turned 17 years old. I spent weeks excited for my 17th birthday, mostly so I could finally get my drivers license (no Olivia Rodrigo pun intended). Once I finally got that license and could drive myself wherever I wanted whenever I wanted, I realized that this is the start of adulthood, and I definitely was not ready for it.
The feeling of becoming an adult was something I had always dreamt of, but the realization of actually being an adult is a lot different than my expectations. I recently just had my 19th birthday, which is pretty exciting but nerve wracking at the same time. Sure, I’m still young and still a teenager, but part of me feels like I’m growing up way too fast. On my birthday this year, I spent most of the day wondering how time went so fast and how I’m no longer a child anymore. 10 years ago, I would’ve been excited to be 19 and have the freedom as an adult.
This year I found myself absolutely dreading my birthday and not wanting it to come. Part of this reason was because I knew this was going to be my first birthday without my family. Before this year, I had spent every birthday with my family, and that was one of my favorite parts of it. I loved when my mom would make my favorite dinner, and then my family would sing to me in the kitchen. However, this year, my schedule didn’t allow me to go home, and that really stunk. Birthdays in college are a lot different than the ones from previous school years too.
The biggest emotion that overcame me this year was the feeling of loneliness. Without my immediate friends and family by my side this year, I felt completely alone and like no one actually cared. Even though this may seem dramatic to some, to me I missed the constant attention I used to get when I was home for my birthday. Most people know the feeling of crying on every single one of their birthdays, no matter what the reason is. For me, it’s the feeling of being alone and getting older.
I’m definitely still trying to figure out how to bring that excitement back to my birthday again. I no longer want to dread one of my personal best days of the year. Day by day, I’m trying to stop worrying about getting older and to start embracing that I’m still young and have plenty of years ahead of me.