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What It’s Like To Be Happy And Depressed

Several opportunities have come to me in the recent months. I have been thriving in college academically and in my personal life in terms of my career. You could even say that I have had many breakthroughs in terms of developing the person I strive to be. But, even with all of the positive energy pulsing through my life, I still find myself being lead around by my depression.

Four years ago I was diagnosed with severe depression. They always say “There are good days and bad days”, which is true. But what happens when you have good days that are highlighted with sadness?

I have trouble understanding why I am depressed while I am doing everything I love. I should be happy, right? Well, I am. Lately, my days have been like swiss cheese — there are holes in my happiness.

Some days it feels like I will never be satisfied, or that I am working towards goals that I may never be able to reach. I remind myself that persistence is the key, and even with the depression I still find a way to push myself. My mind tells me the thousands of tasks I must accomplish while sometimes it physically hurts to move, which makes the pushing hard to do certain days.

Despite being tired and sad, I have tried to embrace it. That statement is not meant to glorify depression. I embrace it because I know that I cannot control it, but I can control my happiness. I have found happiness in myself, future career, and the small positivities that happen throughout the day. There are holes in swiss cheese, but we have still found ways to enjoy it, haven’t we? The same goes for happiness; something may be missing, but you have to appreciate what is there.

I am a freshman at Marymount Manhattan College where I currently study Theatre Arts and New Media. A few of my favorite things are music, writing and tea.
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