While gearing up for the holidays is all fun and dandy, going back to my hometown of Matthews, North Carolina will be seriously lacking in Christmas cheer. Christmas is one of my favorite holidays, and I absolutely love winter weather, but going “home” for the holidays, for me, means angst and the feeling of being uncomfortable. Between family who don’t respect my queer identity, my liberal views, and my education decisions, I have little desire to spend a few days in North Carolina.
There are several things that make this season quite stressful and cause my major depressive disorder to spiral out of control. Firstly, I have to leave the place and the people who I actually consider to be my home. New York City is the place I call home; it’s my community. While I love my mom and siblings, my extended family who I have to interact with make me feel like everything I do means nothing.
Don’t even get me started on the presents. For the season, I feel compelled to purchase presents for people who would give me a hard time for not getting them anything. I become the selfish one who isn’t living a successful life in NYC. I don’t want to walk into my grandmother’s house to hear, “How’s my little Yankee?” Well, she’s doing fine; she’s happy (well happier); she’s finally in a place surrounded by people who actually support her.
With this past election, I know going home will mean hearing things about how terrible Hillary Clinton is and how wonderful Donald Trump is. I’ll be forced to hear how amazing a candidate who threatens my identity as a queer and female bodied person. But hey, Hillary had those emails! The harassment about when I’ll be returning to NC, or how I’ll certainly not find a job in NYC, and going to college anywhere but NC was a terrible decision will truly destroy my Christmas cheer.
I’ll be in NC from December 24 through December 27, but of course, I’m the one who is selfish for not wanting to spend time with the family who “loves” me.