Growing up, I was always what relatives would call a “twig.” I was the source of grandma’s “have a cookie” comments, and would always get asked why I ate so little. Even though through everybody else’s eyes I was teeny-tiny, I still felt like I was fat.
As a child, I was completely confident with myself. As children generally are, I was just a happy-go-lucky kid. Once middle school hit, all the girls were wearing Aeropostale, Holister, Abercrombie, and Victoria’s Secret push up bras. I tried that route, being just like them and wearing obscure amounts of makeup that never quite looked right, but I wasn’t like them. The girls who were deemed the “preps” or the popular ones all had the best graphic polo tees and the cutest converse. Also, oh yeah, they were all skinny. Like I said, I was also on the smaller side, but trying to look like somebody who was just made differently really took a toll. I considered myself fat and not good enough. It wasn’t until halfway through my junior year of high school that I realized I didn’t have to be a stick to love myself.
I started having my own style and personality freshman year. I still would let boys and other girls dictate whether or not I was pretty or skinny enough, until I decided one day Junior year that I was enough for myself. This came with a long stream of self confidence for years. I stopped caring what anybody else thought, and I stopped wearing makeup. I wore what I wanted and what I liked and felt good in. It was a huge step.
I started off at a local community college for my freshman year of college. I was still on this confidence trek through the first year and the first few months of the second, but then I went on the pill. I was having painful periods that lasted way too long and it needed to stop. Once on the pill, I started gaining some weight. This was scary to me. I’d never really gained weight before, besides growing up and proportioning out, so gaining more than normal in a small amount of time was terrifying. I continued to gain small amounts until I’d been on the pill for half a year. Finally, I talked to my doctor. We switched my pill and decided that was not the one for me since I had gained so much on it. I’ve been stagnant in my weight since switching, but the body confidence issues that come along with gaining a lot of weight at once are not a walk in the park.
I had to buy all new clothes, jeans in up to 3 sizes bigger than I ever had before. I was mortified about having to change an entire wardrobe and my parents telling me to eat better and workout, which I was doing. I did not have the correct support. I had a boyfriend at the time who was not a good human. He was abusive and negative and all wrong for me, and he made me feel worse.
September rolled around and I got the courage to break up with that guy and with the negative words being thrown at me from all angles. I got bigger clothes that I loved and felt good in. I met a great man who makes me feel beautiful in every way. It’s still a learning process, but I love myself now more than ever. I am so much more confident in myself and my abilities than I ever was before. I’ll never stop having those days where nothing is right, but I’ll never give up either. It’s a long road, but I love my body.