About a year and a half ago, I began the process of saying goodbye to the toxic friends in my life. When going through this process, I realized how much we, as a society, don’t talk about friendships being toxic or providing people resources or tips for getting out of these friendships. My bad friendship caused me a lot of stress, self-doubt and to believe I was overthinking the situation, when what was happening was not healthy. I am in no way a professional, but I would like to share my experience to help someone in a similar situation, hopefully.
The situation didn’t begin until after our roommate moved out, and slowly I became the new target. For some context of the behaviors over this whole time: we had grown more and more apart, they would plan trips with me in the room and not invite me, when they would ask me on trips (I would show interest in going) and they would still go without me, they would whisper about our me when they didn’t think I could hear, and now they don’t acknowledge I’m in the room. When I tried to talk to them calmly, they would get defensive and push the blame for what was happening to me. I wish it didn’t affect me as much as it did, but it affected my mental health.
Whenever they were home, I felt confined to my tiny apartment bedroom. I felt that If I left my room, I would be giving them ammunition to talk about me behind my back, judge me, or dislike me more. So, I didn’t eat dinner for many nights, or I would snack on whatever chips or snacks I had in my room. I cared what they thought about me, and because of that, I was miserable in the apartment, and it was visible that it was wearing on me mentally; I just wasn’t myself. It was a challenging point for me. I would count down the days till I could go home to visit my parents because it was a break from them. However, a semester has passed since I hit that point and, although I’m still living with them for a couple more months, I have learned how to let go of the friendship. It wasn’t easy, and it still upsets me sometimes, but through learning to be alone and be with myself, I realized I had nothing left to gain from or give them, so it was my time to let go.
Just like in relationships with significant others, its important that you look for warning signs in friends. Look to see if they are consistently:
- Never apologizing or refusing to take blame
- Gaslighting your feelings and your opinions
- Only wanting to spend time with you when their other friends are busy
- Are quick to point out your mistakes, especially in a group setting, but rarely celebrates or acknowledges your accomplishments.
- They only reach out when they need/want something
- Self-Absorbed
Friendships are meant to be carefree and filled with laughter. Don’t let a toxic friendship dull your laughter or your smile.