When I tell you I broke up with my boyfriend of over two years over the phone, you’ll probably think I’m human garbage. Before you assume I don’t respect people’s feelings or emotions, hear me out on this one. Breaking up is hard and coming to the realization that the break up is necessary feels like you’re breaking your own heart. I knew my relationship needed to end when my partner talked about a future with me and instead of feeling joy, I felt anxiety. The problem was, I knew the relationship needed to end months before I ended it. We were both experiencing codependency.
Codependency is a behavioral condition where a person in a relationship relies on the other for meeting their emotional and self-esteem needs. This kind of relationship is also characterized by the enabling of irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior. In the two years we were together, I stopped caring about my grades, I gave up on going to graduate school, I quit two different clubs, and when I was without him, I experienced awful anxiety. We were texting every hour of every day and it became my job to make sure he was happy. We had plans to move in together and those plans became overwhelming when he started saying moving in with me was finally going to give his life purpose.
Leaving a codependent relationship is hard. Whenever we were together, I was reminded of what I thought my purpose was, to make him happy. Staying with me gave him an escape from the life that was making him miserable. The first time I tried to leave it ended with us saying we were going to take a break from texting each other so much. I told him he needed to work on finding reasons to be happy when I wasn’t around. This lasted two days before we were back to texting every second of the day.
It felt like my only option was to break up with him over the phone. It had been months after I knew the relationship needed to end. Codependent situations are hard to navigate. It’s so easy to convince yourself or be convinced by your partner to stay. Breaking up over text allowed for there to be less discussion. I had to leave no matter how much it hurt me and my partner. There couldn’t be any discussion or I would have been persuaded to stay in a relationship that was unhealthy for both of us. It was harsh and to the point. I told my partner what I was doing and how I reached that decision being sure to speak only on behalf of myself. Of course, there was some back and forth but I was able to stand my ground. This discussion would not have happened in person.
There are many situations where breaking up over text is necessary. In codependent or abusive relationships, it may be the only way out. There is also the possibility that your anxiety or other mental health struggles prevent you from having these conversations. It is never the wrong decision to take care of yourself. No matter how you choose to leave an unhealthy relationship, you will make it through to the other side.
If you are being abused, I encourage you to reach out for support. For the National Domestic Violence Hotline, call 1-800-799-7233. If you are not in a safe space to speak with someone on the phone, log onto thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 22522.
HXCO, Kaylee