I might come visit this week.
This week?? I have midterms this week, how about next week?
I have assignments due next week, how about after?
My exams start the week after.
Okayy, no worries we’ll figure something out next semester.
After the moment I wrote my first chem midterm in first year, life has been going at full speed, with no notion of stopping. Once you finish one assignment, there’s a midterm to study for, and then suddenly you blink and it’s the end of the semester.
Fast forward one and a half years later, and I still don’t understand how I’ve made it this far. The allure and excitement of being in my program got lost somewhere between trying to keep up with all the schoolwork and cold emailing 1000 professors, just to get rejected by all of them. I miss having time for simple things like reading and crafting and hanging out with my friends without the constant reminder of tasks and deadlines looming over me. Life feels a lot like a major to-do list, where tasks keep piling up while I’m still trying to catch up to the ones I started two weeks ago. It’s like my TBR, which keeps getting longer and longer while I’m trying to find time to finish the book I started ages ago.
Sitting in lecture, trying to keep up with what the lecturer is saying as the person beside me attempts to frantically write down every word—a tactic that I’ve realized long ago doesn’t work. Then I’ll go to the library, do work for a few hours, and somehow leave feeling even more behind than I was when I first sat down. And don’t even try opening LinkedIn, because then you’ll feel like you should’ve started networking the moment you stepped foot on campus.
After months of small texts, I’ll call my high school friends to catch up, and we reminisce on how good life was when nothing really mattered. My friend will tell me she’s about to start her internship, which is crazy because we used to think big girl internships were so far away. My other friend will tell me her boyfriend got her flowers for their one year anniversary, and I think back to when she would complain that love didn’t seem like it was in the books for her. I’ll tell them about this huge test that I’m planning on writing this summer, and they’ll stare at me wide eyed, because it all seemed so far away. Somewhere between fooling around in 12th grade English class and navigating our new lives, we all grew up. Where did all the time go?
Getting caught up with school and not making time for the things that matter to you the most is something that we’ve all fallen victim to. But on a Sunday evening, when I’ve just taken a hot shower, when the lights in my room are glowing a soft yellow, when my roommate knocks on my door, and we reminisce and talk for hours, everything feels a little calmer. Everything feels like it is going to be alright.
My advice is to let yourself have these moments as often as you can. Let yourself live in uncertainty sometimes. Let yourself let go of all the to-do lists in your head: all the pressure and expectations.
Let yourself just exist sometimes! Life was not meant to be lived in survival mode :)