I’m someone who feels like no matter how much I work or plan in advance, there’s still the nagging feeling of still being behind. Is this a thing that never goes away? Why don’t we talk about it???
I’ve been a Mac student for as long as I can remember. Starting my undergrad in 2020, middle of the pandemic, I was quickly thrusted into an environment where my peers also shared the same rigorous academic mindset as myself; except, we had to adjust to learning asynchronously, online, and somewhat isolated.
I got caught up in the rat-race and I felt that I had to give off the impression that I had my sh*t together all the time. This was the most toxic thing I did to myself, and I fell out of love with school – in my undergrad of all years!
I feel like I’ve been very candid about my experiences and struggles with school and why giving off the impression that I “always have it all together” has been more mentally taxing than some of the courses I’ve taken. So, being in grad school now, I wanted to keep this candidness and encourage my peers to be transparent about the pressure of having to “always have it all together.”
- What do you think of when you imagine someone who “has it all together?”
R: To me, someone who has it all together feels almost like an illusion. She’s the girl who wakes up at 6 AM every morning with no complaints, whose skin glows even with only four hours of sleep. She moves through her day with such ease and grace, acing every assignment, meeting deadlines, maintaining a rich social life, and still finding time for herself. She is effortlessly kind, effortlessly organized, effortlessly… everything.
K: When I think of someone who has it all together, I think of the person who meets all their deadlines with minimal challenge, makes time for the gym, always is in class in a great outfit, volunteers, but does this all while being kind and patient, willing to help others and understand their challenges.
J: When I think of someone who has it all together, I honestly think of Blair Waldorf. Her goals are ambitious but never out of reach. Her schedule is always packed; she always has somewhere to be, and something to do, yet she has such excellent time management that she’s never chaotic. She always gets everything done, doesn’t procrastinate, and doesn’t second guess herself. “Having it all together,” means being able to take action and consistently working towards your goals without wavering, while still maintaining a healthy work-life balance.
Z: There’s a race called “life” and while I feel I barely reached the race venue, that someone [who has it all together] is almost at the finish line. They have it all planned; the completed scratches of their pen on their notepad echo across the room, and I haven’t gotten to finishing my list. Even if things fall apart, they bounce back so fast, you didn’t even realize something went wrong. Meanwhile my hair is fraying and my hands are shaking. When you ask me to imagine that someone, I can’t think of them independently because there is always a comparison between them and myself.
2. Does this reflect yourself? Why or why not?
R: Absolutely not. To be completely honest, I entered grad school feeling completely burnt out, unmotivated, and worthless. Nothing about transitioning to grad school was smooth or effortless. Most things haven’t come easily for me, and every success I’ve had in this program has been the result of pushing myself far harder than people might realize. Projects are often finished last minute, deadlines sneak up on me, and I’m constantly trying to fight the voice that tells me I should be doing more. It’s not glamorous or put-together; it’s real, messy, and very much a work in progress. But even in that mess, I’m learning to give myself a break and recognize that doing things “imperfectly” is still doing them.
K: I absolutely try my best for it to, but in reality, it does not, at all. I think I am closer to it now than I have been in the past, but there are, and will always be, mitigating circumstances preventing perfection, and that’s ok. I think that this acceptance that perfection is impossible has actually pushed me closer to achieving better. It is important to remember that everyone has bad days. I have missed assignment deadlines, forgotten meetings, and felt less than my peers, but I try to remember that it is ok and that I can always lean on those around me for support.
J: As much as I would love to say “yes,” I have to admit that I don’t truly “have it all together.” What I described earlier feels more like an idealized version of myself and who I want to be, rather than my everyday realties. There are plenty of ways in which I don’t embody my idealized version of “having it all together.” I don’t wake up at 6:00 AM, I go to the gym late at night, I can almost always be found sipping a cup of coffee, and I am guilty of doomscrolling a bit too much. So, while I believe my life aligns with some of this idea, there are still many qualities and habits of the ideal version that don’t fully reflect who I currently am.
Z: No. The person I imagined does not exist. Even when I tried to place some real life people’s faces to this imagination, I could easily refute every description. It took me a while to realize this, and it was only through conversations. I remember staring at awe when my peers would introduce themselves or speak out during classes, but then outside the halls as we leave classes, I see the same shaking hands or tired eyes. We have had many opportunities of discussions to realize we feel the same, we just have different ways of hiding it. No one has it figured out, and that’s kind of the point in grad school. We are here to learn and figure some things out.
3. Do you feel pressured to “have it all together” being in grad school?
R: In short, the answer is YES. There are days when I submit an assignment, and immediately I feel like my work is way below the expectations of the course and the standards that I hold for myself. Even when I am trying my absolute best, it sometimes feels like I am barely scraping by. When I look at everyone around me, I automatically assume they are doing better than me, by being more intelligent, prepared, and capable. The worst part is how quickly those assumptions turn inward and make me question if I truly belong here. It’s a weird, unspoken pressure that sits so heavily on my shoulders, reminding me of everything I’m not, even when I have accomplished so much.
K: Absolutely! Constantly being surrounded by fellow students, PhD candidates, professors, and researchers is very intimidating! I will say that most of the pressure is internal, and I am still, despite my best efforts, sometimes expect perfection of myself, especially when I see those around me excelling.
J: All the time! You’re expected to be more responsible, more self-directed, more organized, and better at balancing academic demands with personal responsibilities. And yes, those expectations definitely start immediately when entering university. However, once you reach graduate studies, everything feels amplified – where the stakes are so much higher. In grad school your peers will be from vastly different walks of life. Diversity is a major advantage of graduate studies, but it also makes the pressure on you worse as you strive to measure up. Imposter syndrome will hit you hard. You will constantly feel as though you’re a chaotic mess that isn’t doing enough. Overall, you will feel like someone who just doesn’t “have it figured out” the way everyone else around you seems to have.
Z: Weirdly enough, no. I look at people outside of grad school, living these “adult lives,” and I feel comforted. I have come to find peace with the fact that I don’t have anything figured out and that I’m finding answers. My friends and family think I have it all together, and while I don’t feel inclined to constantly correct them, I use their confidence in me as encouragement. It can be pressuring but there’s some comfort knowing there’s success at the end: I will graduate one day and reminisce on these days, just as I did in undergrad. The real world outside of Mac can, arguably, be the real pressure, but that’s another can of worms!
4. What’s one way you manage toxic grind culture? Does grad school fuel this or help manage it?
R: I’ve started managing toxic grind culture by stepping back from constant comparison to my peers and viewing each assignment or test as part of my own learning journey. I’m gradually reshaping my mindset from “I need to do well” to “What will I gain or understand by doing this?” It’s a constant work in progress, but it’s helping. Grad school can definitely make you feel deeply entrenched in a toxic work culture, as if you’re always scrambling to catch up. What comforts me is remembering that I’m here too. Everyone in this program was chosen for a reason, and that includes me – I’m here to learn, grow, and take up space, just like everyone else.
K: I honestly try to ignore it, but it’s sometimes hard. I would say to unfollow that ridiculous account that glorifies waking up at 4:30 AM to do a ridiculous morning routine. Instead, surround yourself with people who are experiencing similar things and work alongside them to help build each other up. I think that grad school has both helped and hindered this a bit. Personally, I had a bit of a rocky start – I moved to Hamilton in August and immediately started school. I was struggling to keep up at first and found myself in a cycle of “toxic grinding”: falling asleep at my desk and feeling unwell from the hustle of the day with no break. But it became easier! I learned it was okay to ask professors and my peers for help; an extension for an assignment, or a ride from a friend when needed will not hurt you! (SIDE NOTE: don’t abuse your friends with cars!)
J: To manage toxic grind culture, I always try to focus on things that bring me peace, like my hobbies or getting outside into nature. I try and remind myself that my “peak performance” isn’t always something I’m going to achieve every day. It’s also important to reflect on the things I have accomplished, because it reminds me of how far I’ve come. I try to set realistic expectations for myself and give myself grace when life gets messy or when things don’t go as planned. If I really need a day to just rest and recharge, I remind myself that taking a day off isn’t a crime but actually very healthy. Admittedly, one of the biggest things I’m still working on is not comparing myself to others. Using others as sources of motivation or inspiration is great, but you never really know what someone else is going through. Be kind to yourself!
Z: When I tried to follow people who subscribe to the “grind culture,” I realized I had no similar values and skills. I like to reflect and take my time with my work, being intentional at every step, but with grind culture, there’s no time. I don’t really ask others where they have reached with their assignments or tests; I follow my own pace, so that I can breathe easy.
5. What’s one piece of advice you’d give to your undergrad self about the feeling of having to always “have it all together?”
R: Having it all together is truly impossible, and honestly, unnecessary. You don’t need to be perfectly organized or constantly performing at your best to do well in “life.” Doing what you can in one day is more than enough. In my experience, life isn’t meant to be lived through a checklist of achievements or a performance of perfection. It’s meant to be experienced, where you’re constantly learning and stumbling. The days when you feel scattered or overwhelmed don’t make you less capable; they make you human. The more I accept this, the more I realize that having it “all together” isn’t really the goal; finding balance, peace in academics, and self-worth is.
K: I think that it is important to remember that everyone is feeling the same way. No matter what you believe, there will always be someone comparing themselves to you, with no idea of your internal struggles or the extra things in your life that contribute to your success or lack thereof. Remembering this allows you to deeply reflect – not just on your habits, but also the habits of those you compare yourself to. Maybe that person that you have been comparing yourself to for weeks is actually really struggling but keeps it together really well in public? No one person is perfect, and it is important to remember that. AND for the love of all that is good, please, please ask for help!
J: I would tell my undergrad self that she’s going to be alright. I’d tell her to trust in herself more, because everything will work out, maybe not as she had originally anticipated or planned, but exactly as it should. I’d tell her to try and find the positives in every situation, as hard as it may be, because there is always a lesson to be learned. Don’t waste your time dwelling on the past – you can’t go back – and instead focus your energy on the future. The feeling of always having to “have it all together” won’t disappear, it will only intensify, but you will eventually realize that no one actually ever has it all together. Everyone is living life for the first time and figuring it out as they go!
Z: No one has it together, and even if they might strive towards it, it can easily fall apart. I remember hearing that in order to build something, don’t look at the whole project, but look at the material you have to pick up first to begin the process. My health declined with the process of trying to “have it all together” during my undergrad, so I’m trying to unlearn those habits, while also learning new, super cool stuff with some super cool peers. I strive to never reach rock bottom again! None of your efforts will matter if you aren’t healthy enough to actually do them. Take care of yourself and take it easy – that’s all I find myself thinking of at the end of the day.
Evidently, I was overwhelmed with my peers’ support and the eagerness in contributing to this article. It really just goes to show that this feeling of having to “always have it all together” is something that is so common amongst every student – in any, and every, level of education! I feel like breaking away from holding ourselves to this unrealistic expectation, without giving ourselves any grace for our shortcomings, needs to be talked about more!
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the path to what you define as “success” may not be linear or easy, but it will be worth it! Giving yourself grace and granting yourself forgiveness for falling short of the “ideal student” will not diminish the work you’ve put in to get to where you are today. And that’s something every student, undergrad or graduate, should keep in mind especially around exams! I wish every reader the best of luck as we wrap up the semester, and the reassurance that it will be okay <3