Edited by: Leila Hanly
Friendships are some of the most important relationships in our lives; they provide belonging, emotional support, and memories we carry with us for life. But as we grow, change, and learn more about ourselves, the relationships we once valued may no longer align with the people we are becoming. This can be especially true during university, when we’re constantly connecting with new people, discovering who we are, and navigating changes in our relationships.
So, how do we know when we’ve outgrown a friendship and it’s time to let go?
Distance, Jealousy, and Changing Friendships.
University is often described as the ideal time to make lifelong friends, but the reality is not every friendship is destined to last beyond first year. When we first arrive on campus, we may gravitate toward people simply because we’re experiencing the same major life transition; we attend the same events, live in the same residence, or share classes and routines.
However, as we progress into upper years, our priorities, interests, and social circles begin to change. Those who once felt like our closest friends may start to feel more like acquaintances. This doesn’t necessarily mean anyone has done something wrong; sometimes, we’ve simply grown in different directions.
Distance can make these changes even more complicated. Moving home for the summer, studying abroad, or living in different cities can make it difficult to maintain the closeness we once shared. Conversations become less frequent, messages go unanswered, and making plans starts to feel like an obligation rather than something we naturally do. It can be difficult to tell whether a friendship is fading because of distance or because neither person is putting in the effort anymore. While some friendships can withstand these periods, others reveal an imbalance when maintaining the relationship requires constant effort from one person.
Social media can add another layer of difficulty. Seeing an old friend make new friends, attend events without you, or develop a social life that doesn’t include you can bring up feelings of jealousy and envy. You might wonder whether you’ve been replaced or why they seem to be thriving without you.
These feelings can be uncomfortable to admit, especially when you genuinely want your friends to be happy. However, jealousy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a bad friend; sometimes, it reflects a fear of being left behind or a desire to feel included and valued. Rather than criticizing yourself for these emotions, consider what they’re telling you about your own needs and insecurities.
Is The Friendship Still Meaningful, Or Are You Afraid Of Losing What It Used To Be?
If a friendship matters to you, communication is always worth trying before deciding to walk away. University life can be busy, and distance doesn’t always mean someone has stopped caring. Reaching out, making plans, or honestly explaining that you’ve been feeling disconnected can help you understand where the other person stands.
Healthy friendships don’t require constant contact, but they do require mutual effort. Pay attention to whether the other person makes an effort to reconnect and whether you both feel comfortable being honest about your needs.
At the same time, it’s important to recognize when a friendship no longer fits your life. As you enter upper years, you may realize that the people you met in first year no longer share your values, interests, or goals. Perhaps you feel drained after spending time together, find yourself pretending to be someone you’re not, or realize that your connection depends more on shared history than genuine closeness.
You can appreciate the memories you’ve made without forcing a relationship to remain the same. Outgrowing a friendship doesn’t erase what it once meant to you.
You Don’t Always Need a Dramatic Conversation or Definitive Ending.
Sometimes, stepping back, accepting that a relationship has changed, and allowing yourself to invest in other connections is enough. Give yourself permission to meet new people without feeling guilty about the friendships you’re leaving behind. Joining a club, talking to classmates, or accepting an invitation can feel intimidating, but new friendships often begin with small moments of genuine connection.
Ultimately, not every friendship is meant to last forever, and that doesn’t make it a failure.
University is a period of growth, and our relationships often change alongside us. Some friendships will deepen with time, others will become less central to our lives, and new ones will emerge when we least expect them. You can miss who someone used to be in your life while still making room for who you are becoming.
Letting go isn’t always about deciding someone is no longer worth your time; sometimes, it’s about accepting that both of you are growing in different directions and trusting that new connections are still possible.